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So much has happened since my last blog post, and I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply. But hopefully with this post, I'll begin to close this chapter of my life.
I went much deeper into starving myself. The opportunity of Lent was almost too good to miss and so I did it by swearing off all junk food and mass sugar (because it's impossible to completely cut out sugar, it's in EVERYTHING. Fruit, bread etc), and I could tell my friends because they thought it was normal. It's Lent, so people are allowed to take on these 'diets' and this type of starving is considered the norm for 40 days of the year. My day consisted of the following food:
Breakfast:
A slice of toast (couldn't escape that, my dad has breakfast with me)
Lunch:
Orange juice and an apple
or
200g of vegetables
Dinner:
Varied, but usually a small bowl of soup and a little fish.
+ >two hours of physical activity a day.
The turning point was when I was in a ballet lesson. Friday evening and I was in the middle of a 90 minute ballet lesson concentrating on travelling turns, pirouettes and jumps. Mid-pirouette I felt the breath leave me and my mind blank from the exhaustion of concentrating. For a second I was completely disorientated and felt all the strength in me was gone, then I dropped to the floor. I had almost fainted, but I managed to feign to my ballet teacher that I had just lost my balance. I mentioned this to a friend, but she had told another who began to worry about me, I just said it was because I wasn't having enough sugar, but she loudly said 'No, it's because you're not eating enough.' after having me declare a fuller version everything I ate in a day. People began getting on my back, but only cause they cared for me, this I know. But it grew ugly. One girl in my class had faked an eating disorder last year and was incredibly lowly thought of then, it made me so scared of being called a fake, and so I starved my self even more. I didn't feel like someone who was sick, someone who could live up to the self-set high standards I had of anorexics. I kept pushing myself and every binge made me feel like a failure, I felt as if the whole world was expecting me to live up to this stereo-typical image of anorexics (the 'classic' infamous Isabelle Caro body), not realising it was all conjured up in my mind.
Song of the day:
So sick by Neyo (cover by Sam Tsui and Max Schneider)
I've fallen in love with this cover <3 I've never heard the original and I don't think I want to hear it now!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Gm1Re3FgM&feature=g-u-u
