Weight: No idea :( too scared to weigh x_x
BMI: </3
Yesterday I had a massive dinner (basically as soon as annoying parent friend left) and I did today as well. I feel horrible. I feel bloated, fat, and I hate myself so much right now :( It was going so well </3 I think I might be back to 113lbs at least now :S I had a smaller breakfast but a friend of mine was celebrating her birthday and gave out cupcakes at break (felt so sick after it!). And after I listened and watched the thinspo below...I really regretted it just so much. Just why did I have to be such a PIG? at least I didn't have any lunch today. Plus today I'm not going trick or treating which is sad but at least I won't have ANY temptation to eat sweets (at least for today...:'()
'Eating will make you FAT. Just put it off another day.'
Song of the day:
Almost lover by ____
Not quite sure who its by but this is a thinspo on youtube. I love the song and some of the photos are amazing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4hqlOIXBv0&feature=feedrec_grec_index
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
Monday 31 October 2011
Back from Berlin!!
Weight: 111lbs
BMI: 19
(supposed to posted on 28th October)
I'm so happy! Well I actually got back from Berlin on the 26th but I haven't really had a chance to write a post until now :( A friend of my parents is staying over at ours for a few days (she's really annoying- 50 and uses my make up/nail polishes without asking me x_x) but for some reason I've been eating much less with her around. I'm not really starving myself...for example at each sitting if I was actually starving hungry, I will eat but not enough to sate my hunger. But just enough so that it becomes bearable. And I eat my food slowly so my 'fullness signal' can catch up with my eating. And so now I've finally hit 11lbs! I can fit comfortably into a size 6 and more or less into a size 4 :)
Sometimes I look at myself and think, I look alright (whilst vainly posing in the mirror ;) hey it's Halloween in 3 days!). That I actually look kinda pretty. But then I see my arms and thighs, and that feeling is gone :( at least its going well now (y) seems to only be going upwards <3 I don't know when I want to stop, perhaps at 99lbs? Just so that I'm not at 3 digits....
'Because the mirror hurts more than starvation.'
Song of the day:
One More by Superchick
One more song by Superchick (see what I did there? ;)), I truly do love their songs <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKvUk7Vdzyk
BMI: 19
(supposed to posted on 28th October)
I'm so happy! Well I actually got back from Berlin on the 26th but I haven't really had a chance to write a post until now :( A friend of my parents is staying over at ours for a few days (she's really annoying- 50 and uses my make up/nail polishes without asking me x_x) but for some reason I've been eating much less with her around. I'm not really starving myself...for example at each sitting if I was actually starving hungry, I will eat but not enough to sate my hunger. But just enough so that it becomes bearable. And I eat my food slowly so my 'fullness signal' can catch up with my eating. And so now I've finally hit 11lbs! I can fit comfortably into a size 6 and more or less into a size 4 :)
Sometimes I look at myself and think, I look alright (whilst vainly posing in the mirror ;) hey it's Halloween in 3 days!). That I actually look kinda pretty. But then I see my arms and thighs, and that feeling is gone :( at least its going well now (y) seems to only be going upwards <3 I don't know when I want to stop, perhaps at 99lbs? Just so that I'm not at 3 digits....
'Because the mirror hurts more than starvation.'
Song of the day:
One More by Superchick
One more song by Superchick (see what I did there? ;)), I truly do love their songs <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKvUk7Vdzyk
The leaves were are rounder there o.o
Weight: Unknown :(
BMI: Unknown :(
(This blog was supposed to be posted on October 23rd)
That was one of the first things I noticed on one of the days I was there :') We went to the Botannic Gardens and it is huuuuuuuge! It took us about 2 hours to get through most of the glass building alone. I say most cause we just got too tired to walk and just left through an open fire exit (shh...).
On the last day we went to another town called Potsdam where I bought so much jewellery on sale! And I saw Yankee candles for the first time everr <3 I love them so much! I was about to buy the Mandarin and Orange one (smells so lush! and 25% off!) but my mum doesn't like scented candles :( They are a bit pricey at 20 euros for 300ml :/
I haven't been eating as much fatty foods as I thought I would be which is great but I've been eating a ton of bread and butter x_X (why are European butters and breads so good?! Germany gooooood bread; hungary nice bread, italy so much great bread <3, france....there's only bread but I love it all the same :3) I really hope I haven't gotten heavier....
Song of the day:
Rock what you got by Superchick :
Such a good tune :) really motivating, and I think Superchick is my new all-time favourite band now <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJPY8LNLpHU
BMI: Unknown :(
(This blog was supposed to be posted on October 23rd)
That was one of the first things I noticed on one of the days I was there :') We went to the Botannic Gardens and it is huuuuuuuge! It took us about 2 hours to get through most of the glass building alone. I say most cause we just got too tired to walk and just left through an open fire exit (shh...).
On the last day we went to another town called Potsdam where I bought so much jewellery on sale! And I saw Yankee candles for the first time everr <3 I love them so much! I was about to buy the Mandarin and Orange one (smells so lush! and 25% off!) but my mum doesn't like scented candles :( They are a bit pricey at 20 euros for 300ml :/
I haven't been eating as much fatty foods as I thought I would be which is great but I've been eating a ton of bread and butter x_X (why are European butters and breads so good?! Germany gooooood bread; hungary nice bread, italy so much great bread <3, france....there's only bread but I love it all the same :3) I really hope I haven't gotten heavier....
Song of the day:
Rock what you got by Superchick :
Such a good tune :) really motivating, and I think Superchick is my new all-time favourite band now <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJPY8LNLpHU
Thursday 20 October 2011
Berlin tomorrow :O
Current weight: 113.2lbs
BMI: 19.4
It's finally half term! But tomorrow I'll be in Berlin, a somewhat dismal holiday destination mainly focused on the holocaust, I'm sure it'll be interesting nonetheless :) But I what am scared of is the food in Berlin. It's supposed to be famous for its meats and very fatty foods. I have this horrible feeling that I'll be tempted at 'trying the new cuisine' that I'll just be stuffing my face and gain about 10lbs :/ I'll be there for a bit more than a week so it might be a while until I update my blog again.
I'm still struggling with eating normally. Sometimes I get lost in the moment of eating, for example at a party. I feel happy when I get lost in the moment because I feel normal and uncaring, but that is almost immediately followed by a feeling of regret and utter self loathing the next day. The last two days I just couldn't bring myself to eat any lunch at school but as you can see that's made me weigh almost a pound less! I'll get back to that size zero...
I hope I'll be able to resist the foods in Berlin. Or just get better.
Song of the day:
Just found this whilst randomly browsing through Youtube :) sadly they don't you what the song's called :(
Live performance of ________ by Emma's Imagination on Must be the Music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9YJbUSj0vo&feature=relmfu
BMI: 19.4
It's finally half term! But tomorrow I'll be in Berlin, a somewhat dismal holiday destination mainly focused on the holocaust, I'm sure it'll be interesting nonetheless :) But I what am scared of is the food in Berlin. It's supposed to be famous for its meats and very fatty foods. I have this horrible feeling that I'll be tempted at 'trying the new cuisine' that I'll just be stuffing my face and gain about 10lbs :/ I'll be there for a bit more than a week so it might be a while until I update my blog again.
I'm still struggling with eating normally. Sometimes I get lost in the moment of eating, for example at a party. I feel happy when I get lost in the moment because I feel normal and uncaring, but that is almost immediately followed by a feeling of regret and utter self loathing the next day. The last two days I just couldn't bring myself to eat any lunch at school but as you can see that's made me weigh almost a pound less! I'll get back to that size zero...
I hope I'll be able to resist the foods in Berlin. Or just get better.
Song of the day:
Just found this whilst randomly browsing through Youtube :) sadly they don't you what the song's called :(
Live performance of ________ by Emma's Imagination on Must be the Music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9YJbUSj0vo&feature=relmfu
Friday 14 October 2011
How it all started
Current weight: 114lbs
BMI: 19.7
Anorexia never happens over night, it's gradual and usually happens from one innocent diet. But for me it started with wannarexia.
Wannarexia is a set of mind usually within teenage girls where it is thought to be 'trendy' or 'beautiful' and 'special' to be anorexic but these peoplearen't actually anorexic. And this is exactly how it started with me. One of my friends just transferred into my class in year 8 and she claimed to be anorexic, but she would often binge and eat normally. I don't know why but this angered me so much, even though I wasn't a wannarexic at the time, I started looking into the disease more deeply. I found lots of interesting thinspo (youtube videos which give you lots of quotes to help you persevere with not eating), pro-ana websites that sucked me into the world of perfect, size zero girls and a lot more. This world was beautiful to me.
July 2011 I was a disgusting 120lbs. Now I have a maintained weight of 114lbs and it's still not enough. A few weeks ago I hit size zero, but that soon disappeared in a binge I've been regretting so much. In the first two paragraphs it seems like I'm talking in the past tense, I'm not, the disease is still taking over, stronger than before. I want to be happy and not caring of what I ate. I want to erase the calorie numbers that jump at me with every single piece of food that I pick up. Trust me I do, but I just can't.
BMI: 19.7
Anorexia never happens over night, it's gradual and usually happens from one innocent diet. But for me it started with wannarexia.
Wannarexia is a set of mind usually within teenage girls where it is thought to be 'trendy' or 'beautiful' and 'special' to be anorexic but these peoplearen't actually anorexic. And this is exactly how it started with me. One of my friends just transferred into my class in year 8 and she claimed to be anorexic, but she would often binge and eat normally. I don't know why but this angered me so much, even though I wasn't a wannarexic at the time, I started looking into the disease more deeply. I found lots of interesting thinspo (youtube videos which give you lots of quotes to help you persevere with not eating), pro-ana websites that sucked me into the world of perfect, size zero girls and a lot more. This world was beautiful to me.
July 2011 I was a disgusting 120lbs. Now I have a maintained weight of 114lbs and it's still not enough. A few weeks ago I hit size zero, but that soon disappeared in a binge I've been regretting so much. In the first two paragraphs it seems like I'm talking in the past tense, I'm not, the disease is still taking over, stronger than before. I want to be happy and not caring of what I ate. I want to erase the calorie numbers that jump at me with every single piece of food that I pick up. Trust me I do, but I just can't.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)