Today I went back to those forbidden sites. Today I went back to the beautiful girls and buddies I'd previously. Today i don't know whether I'm feeling trapped or alive. Today I'll go back on the scales, the ones I've feared so much. It's been months since I last weighed my self... Let's see what they say.
Weight: 120 lbs
BMI: 20.0
I'm absolutely disgusted. And sick. I actually shook as I came down from the scales. 120lbs?! That's more than when I started and it was a place I swore I'd never go to again. Not too long ago I was 9lbs heavier. Almost 5 kilos heavier. I want to cry. I want to scream. I'm so confused...I've been exercising A lot more than I did before but somehow I've become a horribly obese thing. And it needs to change now.
Song of the day:
Hey Soul Sister by Train
An old classic song that I used to love singing all the time
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Wednesday 15 February 2012
Sunday 12 February 2012
60/40
Weight: So scared
BMI: </3
There are kind of two voices in my head. But they're like parts of me. And I'm constantly listening to 'them/me' whenever I have the choice of buying food, or do anything food related like go into the school canteen. One is Rationality. The other is Ana. Rationality has thousands upon thousands of reasons. 'You'll have really bad metabolism, your gorgeous hair'll fall out, you'll never me that athletically strong person you want to be, etc' and Ana only has a few 'You might not ever be able to please your mother but you can keep on trying, your ex's current girlfriend's legs, the previously gorgeous concave stomach you had before, skinny, skinny, skinny.' But for some reason Ana is stronger. Despite all the arguments Rationality throws at her/me, her voice stronger, almost more seductive, full of dangerously beautiful promises.
12th February 2012
60/40 to Ana
I can feel her getting stronger, no matter how much the voice inside me is screaming to not follow her. It's screaming and shouting but I feel like I've already dived without a bungee rope.
Song of the Day: Secrets by Tiffany Alvord and ThePianoGuys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxRMFwPpkBE&feature=g-u-u&context=G21f56edFUAAAAAAAaAA
I was originally subscribed to ThePianoGuys but they linked the vocal version of this piece and her voice is absolutely stunning! Such a beautiful song <3
BMI: </3
There are kind of two voices in my head. But they're like parts of me. And I'm constantly listening to 'them/me' whenever I have the choice of buying food, or do anything food related like go into the school canteen. One is Rationality. The other is Ana. Rationality has thousands upon thousands of reasons. 'You'll have really bad metabolism, your gorgeous hair'll fall out, you'll never me that athletically strong person you want to be, etc' and Ana only has a few 'You might not ever be able to please your mother but you can keep on trying, your ex's current girlfriend's legs, the previously gorgeous concave stomach you had before, skinny, skinny, skinny.' But for some reason Ana is stronger. Despite all the arguments Rationality throws at her/me, her voice stronger, almost more seductive, full of dangerously beautiful promises.
12th February 2012
60/40 to Ana
I can feel her getting stronger, no matter how much the voice inside me is screaming to not follow her. It's screaming and shouting but I feel like I've already dived without a bungee rope.
Song of the Day: Secrets by Tiffany Alvord and ThePianoGuys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxRMFwPpkBE&feature=g-u-u&context=G21f56edFUAAAAAAAaAA
I was originally subscribed to ThePianoGuys but they linked the vocal version of this piece and her voice is absolutely stunning! Such a beautiful song <3
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