Atychiphobia 2

'I'm so scared of failure outwardly, that I've just sacrificed everything on the inside.'

That is what I said in one of my messages to a now ex. And I just realised how true it is. I'm so scared of failing these rocket-high standards. Standards set by me. Standards such as 'only a distinction for your piano grades is acceptable' or 'do your grade 5 this term, and in the next few months have your grade 6 more or less done' or, '100lbs.' To me, it's very all or nothing. Sacrificing on the inside can be anything from emotionally hiding away my scars with a smile, or the very real sacrifice of my internal body when I didn't eat. 

Why do I keep setting these standards? The thing is, by the off-chance I actually achieve them, it's a rapture that soon ensues. I feel so happy, as if now that I accomplished something so difficult before,and so well to add to that, that this intellectually-fuelled high can last for weeks, and it can sometimes help me to think of it during tougher times. But is it worth the other 2 out of 3 times when I don't quite reach it? When I don't, it really is awful. Everything crashes down. Cue depressing songs and the occasional relapse x.x Anyone else have something similar to this?

Stand up when it's all crashing down

My week is looking pretty bleak at the moment (and this doesn't include any other homework set :'( ):

Friday: Piano exam 

Saturday: Intense revision and this blog post :)

Sunday: GCSE/A-Level Mandarin mock exam

Monday: Latin exam on everything we've learnt

Tuesday: Singing exam

Wednesday: Biology exam on everything we've learnt

On a different note, this is the longest Mandarin essay I've written xD I need to memorise it for my mock this Sunday *^* looks titchy on here but that's like almost 400 characters of work :D

当前英国青少年的情况

青少年运动比以前少了。以前有较多时间锻炼身体，如很多维多利亚时期女孩喜欢跳芭蕾舞，她们的饮食健康，身体很好。但现代青少年经常吃汉堡堡等快餐，很多快餐营养不够丰富，还以引起肥胖蛮，对健康不利。他们也玩游戏，对身体很不好。

青少年喜欢参加社交活动，如朋友聚会和旅游-能学习知识并增进友谊。用智能手机进行信息交流。经常上网，可以帮助学习，交流，还能获得工作机会。

以前人们喜欢经典音乐和电影，如今跟喜欢现代音乐和电影，和很多青少年喜欢看电影《哈利波特》等。

我喜欢健康的生活方式。我每天平均锻炼身体两个小时。如跑步，体操和芭蕾舞。妈妈每天都为我做许多既好吃又有营养的饭菜，所以我能获得足够的能力去学习和运动。我也参加了不要少的朋友聚会，结交了好朋友。我喜欢弹钢琴和唱歌-每周都上课。每天连两个小时。我认为选择好的生活方式对青少年的健康成长非常重要。

Song of the day:

Skinny Love by Bon Iver 

Unfortunately yes, this is a thinspo video. I caught myself watching a few of these last night when I was feeling particularly low, but instead of just finding the music video of it, I thought I'd continue to be honest and just show what I was watching instead. Sorry guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzSKhtJgPho&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Atychiphobia

Sorry, this will be a pause/a break from my Lost in a Wonderland Online; gaming series but I just had to post this today. I'm so sorry on how my posting has turned into once a fortnight, but once exams are all over, I can finally focus on getting everything done. Today I had Young Musician today, a competition run by my school for people to perform in all instruments; piano, wind and brass, strings, singing etc. Each instrument has three subdivisions - Junior (Grades 1-3), Intermediate (Grades 4-6) and Advanced (Grades 7+). Today I was doing Singing Junior and Piano Intermediate. I had told myself not to worry and it was actually working for a bit but then it got to the part where I had to play.

I thought I was doing pretty well, cause I wasn't as nervous as I was last year, but I just stopped listening to the piece. It was almost as if the nervousness stopped me from hearing what I was playing completely. I got the notes right...but maybe not the rhythm/phrasing/texture/dynamics/tonality/derp right xD The singing was just worst. I originally thought that my sining teacher would be playing the accompaniment (we had both made changes to the transcript that would aid me and suit my voice better), but it was a completely different teacher! And on a rusty piano that played pianissimo so that I could hardly hear anything until an important note which made me reailse I was like a whole bar behind :')

But yeah, I can't really blame anyone but myself for messing up. There may have been some other small factors, but I really should be better at this now. It's just made me that much more scared for my piano and singing exams which are exactly one week from now...so yeah :(

I missed the whole day of lessons which was fun I guess. At the end, all the winners of each subdivision (i.e. piano junior 1st, piano intermediate 1st, piano advanced 1st, strings junior 1st...etc.) come together in this great finale. There is a trophy for the overall winner in Junior and Intermediate, one for the overall winner in advanced, and another for an astounding pianist (the person who set up this competition about 30 years ago was a pianist). Watching the finals leaves you speechless. There were some seriously talented people, where it sounds corny to say this, absolutely breathtaking. I wish I could be the musician where when they play, you just can't look at or even think about anything else but their music. And I guess because of that, I see why I didn't get anything this year.

Song of the Day
I dreamed a dreamed - Cover by Rachel Berry in Glee
One of the girls in my category for junior singing sang this song in Young Musician and I loved it :) it is so true and so sad </3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp7ARm2Lwdo&feature=related