China in two days!

Weight: Still haven't weighed myself yet!
BMI: Reason abovee

So sorry I haven't been posting much! I've been so busy with exams and whatnot I feel like I've been going grazy. Yes grazy, I can't even type now :L I'll be going to China is two days and I'm terrified of the dinner parties. Because all my relatives are excited about seeing me we literally have dinner parties at restaurants and the portions are ENORMOUSS. Some days we'll have breakfast as a family, a LUNCH party, a DINNER party and probably a few snacks between x_x

The not checking the scales has really helped me eat...but I feel like I want to cry straight after I eat. Because I have such a built up resentment against wannarexics (even though I started out as one), I scream at myself in my head whenever I eat 'Why are you doing this?! You're losing control. You're weak. A real anorexic wouldn't do this!' Every. Single. Time. Christmas is way too infused with food. Hopefully blogspot won't be blocked/banned in China like Facebook and YouTube are. Wish me luck.

My own thinspo quote:
'When I woman looks at another who is thinner than she, she will always want to be like that other woman. So why not just be the thinnest?'

Song of the Day:
'O Holy Night' cover by Christina Grimmie
I'd never heard this song before! But her voice is stunning as usual
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G84I42pJ3g&feature=g-u&context=G26706a3FUAAAAAAADAA

Scared.

Weight: Not allowed to measure :L
BMI: Reason above

Well I`ve been going to my counsellor a lot more often as she requests and I now have regular appointments with the nurse as well :/ but I guess either way, it`ll be my decsion whether I eat or not :S Today was so scary x_x Like I went to google on my phone on my way back from school and I searched Anorexia isn't bad. And I didn't think it was really. I'm just skipping lunch, having small breakfasts and dinners and exercising a bit more, plus the starving kinda leaves a 'pure'/detoxed feeling in me. So thenh I came across a website (link below) with a girl who thought more or less the same as me.
http://www.facetheissue.com/community/archive/index.php?t-532.html

And the posts by Allegra were really strong. And the more I read on the more scared I got. I don't want my body to eventually start eating at my heart muscles. What I'm doing can't be that bad right?! And I got even more scared today as I just felt weak the entire day and when I had a shower, literally clumps of my hair just fell out. I'd brush my hair in the shower and  then run my fingers through, but when I ran my fingers through, a massive clump of her was taken away. And that happened again. And again. Until I was too scared that I'd start going bold :S

I'm normally a sensible girl but I really don't know what to do.

'Those who risk going to far can possibly find out how far one can go.'

Song of the Day
Jar of Hearts by Christina Perry
She's got such a great voice :) I absolutely love this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH7WXlf9WLk

Mini-marathon trials

Weight: 112.8
BMI: 18.8

Today I had the mini marathon trials and it was HORRIBLE. It was only 2km but it was up and down the most steep hilly and horrible terrain ever D: I was so uprepared for it. Last year I did the 3km mini marathon trials and it was across a reasonably flat (only ever so slightly sloping) and I felt so much better after that than this. I couldn't stop coughing after today's race until I had a mini chicken burger (over 10 minutes after the race!). It was a really dry, chesty cough as well :( And in the first mini-marathon race, I was also eating properly :/

Before todays race, even though I had a biggish breakfast, I felt as if it had only filled the gaps of food from days I'd missed before and that my energy stores were gone after the first 10 steps of the race. I felt so much regret for not eating. I would've done so much better. But I can't gain weight. I just can't.

'Everytime you say no to food, you say yes to thin.'

Song of the day:
Down by Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne
An old classic :) cheers me up in a small way :D this is another MMV video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1lPFbntuAY&feature=feedrec_grec_index

Uppity Downie.

Weight: 112.8
BMI: 118.8

I had another self-freakout over me not eating. I ate normally for about three days. It felt different. Good in the that I finally felt 'full'. I almost forgot the soft, warm feeling you get after eating a big meal. I spent more time with my friends because I was eating with them instead of staying in the lunchroom. But then I decided to weigh myself. And I felt as if someone had punched me in the gut. I was almost 115lbs. 115 disgusting pounds. I was trying to get to 99lbs, not be so fat to that extent! So today I felt much better, I didn't have any lunch and I swam for 15 minutes, played tag rugby for an hour and a half and did gymnastics for an hour :) I had a smaller dinner than usual and I'm feeling much better. My friends started getting suspicious though :S

Just  in case you guys are wondering what I use to calculate my BMI:
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

Song of the day:
Take my hand by Simple Plan
Absolutely love this MMV and I've been a fan of omgPockii for a long time :) I think the video goes perfectly with the song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJMwJUQWxZo&feature=feedrec_grec_index

Bonfire night

Weight: 112lbs

BMI: 18.6 (I'm now 5ft 5'')

(Supposed to be posted on 5th November)

Well bonfire night is usually a really happy, choking thing :) Usually what happens is, after Mummy and Daddy have watched their TV, we would go out and set off our own fireworks. We'd all be outside and I would always try to shield my parents from the mass smoke by fanning a scarf in a circular motion in front of us :) It was always us free (my sister was always in Bristol) every years. It's been done ever since I was allowed near fireworks (Around when I was 9-10?)

But this year my mum went to China so it would already be feeling pretty different without her. But even worse were the commercial fireworks set outside in the park right next to our house. Their fireworks were the very expensive big ones that shot up into the air and instead of everyone having fun with family fireworks, my sister and dad were only really looking at the big ones. I felt as if the moment had been ruined :( I ate so much over the weekend :'(

Song of the Day:

Guitar cover of A crazy little thing called love by Queen by Sungha Jung

I guess I may have cheated a little cause it's not really a song ;) but he's a really good guitar player and some of his latest covers are wooow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jkon4UlFuk8&feature=feedu

So I told my counsellor ://

Weight: 112.6lbs x_x

BMI: not quite sure

At break, I went to the lunch hall and for some reason I reached out and bought a quad choc cookie and ate it without thinking. Obviously I instantly regretted it but for some reason today the cookies were made at school so much better (so much more melted and hot) so I began thinking; I should be able to have two cookies without regretting it right? Don't I have a right to food? This thought stayed with me for an hour and then I made the mistake of visiting the counsellor. A mistake I'm very much regretting.

I started off telling her everything I was doing, how I'd lost 6kg since August (a very slow 2kg per month -_-) and even some really personal stuff but she just replied with blunt criticism. She kept going on  how bad it was me not eating anything after running during lunch. I honestly don't see what the big deal is. So I'm running over 2 miles a day and not eating after and skipping lunch all the time. I'm not dropping dead for god's sake. It's so annoying cause she's instantly assumed that I wanted another appointment and arranged one for me. I could not go but I'd feel really bad :// She wants me to eat a sandwich for lunch -fuck no. This is terrible for me though. I have the incredible desire of having to please people. So if I don't eat, I'll feel happy food-wise but my OCD of pleasing people will drive me up the walls and vice versa. 

What do I do?!

Song of the day:

Black and yellow

I used to really like this song :) found it in my Youtube recommendations^^

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trPCwjN5Dlw&feature=feedrec_grec_index

Breaking. Broken. Same thing.

Weight: 111.5lbs
BMI: 19.3

I was reading this article today, and for some reason it really shook me. For example tips 10, 11, 13 and 17. I don't even know why, but I've been really sensitive recently.
http://onlypurples.wordpress.com/2008/06/23/how-to-become-anorexic/
I started taking singing lessons a few weeks ago and they were going ok. Yesterday in my singing lesson I was singing so well in the beginning of my lesson, my teacher was so impressed, I was on a high. It was like the best 15 minutes of my life. But as soon as she pointed out a mistake I came crashing down. The more I sang the song the worse I got because I was so under pressure. Until she finally said 'That was crap.' and it actually shattered me. How can a teacher even say that? I don't know how I feel. I know I don't ever wanna sing again. Ever. I'm dreading my next lesson and I can't quit cause we've already paid lessons for the rest of term.

Song of the day
If I Die Young by The Band Perry
I absolutely love the country beginning of this song <3 Again another thinspo however...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=HQ5cvZhY6qA&feature=fvwp

Halloween!

Weight: No idea :( too scared to weigh x_x
BMI: </3


Yesterday I had a massive dinner (basically as soon as annoying parent friend left) and I did today as well. I feel horrible. I feel bloated, fat, and I hate myself so much right now :( It was going so well </3 I think I might be back to 113lbs at least now :S I had a smaller breakfast but a friend of mine was celebrating her birthday and gave out cupcakes at break (felt so  sick after it!). And after I listened and watched the thinspo below...I really regretted it just so much. Just why did I have to be such a PIG? at least I didn't have any lunch today. Plus today I'm not going trick or treating which is sad but at least I won't have ANY temptation to eat sweets (at least for today...:'()


'Eating will make you FAT. Just put it off another day.'


Song of the day:
Almost lover by ____
Not quite sure who its by but this is a thinspo on youtube. I love the song and some of the photos are amazing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4hqlOIXBv0&feature=feedrec_grec_index

Back from Berlin!!

Weight: 111lbs
BMI: 19
(supposed to posted on 28th October)

I'm so happy! Well I actually got back from Berlin on the 26th but I haven't really had a chance to write a post until now :( A friend of my parents is staying over at ours for a few days (she's really annoying- 50 and uses my make up/nail polishes without asking me x_x) but for some reason I've been eating much less with her around. I'm not really starving myself...for example at each sitting if I was actually starving hungry, I will eat but not enough to sate my hunger. But just enough so that it becomes bearable. And I eat my food slowly so my 'fullness signal' can catch up with my eating. And so now I've finally hit 11lbs! I can fit comfortably into a size 6 and more or less into a size 4 :)

Sometimes I look at myself and think, I look alright (whilst vainly posing in the mirror ;) hey it's Halloween in 3 days!). That I actually look kinda pretty. But then I see my arms and thighs, and that feeling is gone :( at least its going well now (y) seems to only be going upwards <3 I don't know when I want to stop, perhaps at 99lbs? Just so that I'm not at 3 digits....

'Because the mirror hurts more than starvation.'

Song of the day:
One More by Superchick
One more song by Superchick (see what I did there? ;)), I truly do love their songs <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKvUk7Vdzyk

The leaves were are rounder there o.o

Weight: Unknown :(
BMI: Unknown :(
(This blog was supposed to be posted on October 23rd)

That was one of the first things I noticed on one of the days I was there :') We went to the Botannic Gardens and it is huuuuuuuge! It took us about 2 hours to get through most of the glass building alone. I say most cause we just got too tired to walk and just left through an open fire exit (shh...).

On the last day we went to another town called Potsdam where I bought so much jewellery on sale! And I saw Yankee candles for the first time everr <3 I love them so much! I was about to buy the Mandarin and Orange one (smells so lush! and 25% off!) but my mum doesn't like scented candles :( They are a bit pricey at 20 euros for 300ml :/

I haven't been eating as much fatty foods as I thought I would be which is great but I've been eating a ton of bread and butter x_X (why are European butters and breads so good?! Germany gooooood bread; hungary nice bread, italy so much great bread <3, france....there's only bread but I love it all the same :3) I really hope I haven't gotten heavier....

Song of the day:
Rock what you got by Superchick :
Such a good tune :) really motivating, and I think Superchick is my new all-time favourite band now <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJPY8LNLpHU

Berlin tomorrow :O

Current weight: 113.2lbs
BMI:  19.4


It's finally half term! But tomorrow I'll be in Berlin, a somewhat dismal holiday destination mainly focused on the holocaust, I'm sure it'll be interesting nonetheless :) But I what am scared of is the food in Berlin. It's supposed to be famous for its meats and very fatty foods. I have this horrible feeling that I'll be tempted at 'trying the new cuisine' that I'll just be stuffing my face and gain about 10lbs :/ I'll be there for a bit more than a week so it might be a while until I update my blog again.


I'm still struggling with eating normally. Sometimes I get lost in the moment of eating, for example at a party. I feel happy when I get lost in the moment because I feel normal and uncaring, but that is almost immediately followed by a feeling of regret and utter self loathing the next day. The last two days I just couldn't bring myself to eat any lunch at school but as you can see that's made me weigh almost a pound less! I'll get back to that size zero...


I hope I'll be able to resist the foods in Berlin. Or just get better.


Song of the day:
Just found this whilst randomly browsing through Youtube :) sadly they don't you what the song's called :( 
Live performance of ________ by Emma's Imagination on Must be the Music 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9YJbUSj0vo&feature=relmfu

How it all started

Current weight: 114lbs
BMI:  19.7

Anorexia never happens over night, it's gradual and usually happens from one innocent diet. But for me it started with wannarexia.

Wannarexia is a set of mind usually within teenage girls where it is thought to be 'trendy' or 'beautiful' and 'special' to be anorexic but these peoplearen't actually anorexic. And this is exactly how it started with me. One of my friends just transferred into my class in year 8 and she claimed to be anorexic, but she would often binge and eat normally. I don't know why but this angered me so much, even though I wasn't a wannarexic at the time, I started looking into the disease more deeply. I found lots of interesting thinspo (youtube videos which give you lots of quotes to help you persevere with not eating), pro-ana websites that sucked me into the world of perfect, size zero girls and a lot more. This world was beautiful to me.

July 2011 I was a disgusting 120lbs. Now I have a maintained weight of 114lbs and it's still not enough. A few weeks ago I hit size zero, but that soon disappeared in a binge I've been regretting so much. In the first two paragraphs it seems like I'm talking in the past tense, I'm not, the disease is still taking over, stronger than before. I want to be happy and not caring of what I ate. I want to erase the calorie numbers that jump at me with every single piece of food that I pick up. Trust me I do, but I just can't.