Atychiphobia 2

'I'm so scared of failure outwardly, that I've just sacrificed everything on the inside.'

That is what I said in one of my messages to a now ex. And I just realised how true it is. I'm so scared of failing these rocket-high standards. Standards set by me. Standards such as 'only a distinction for your piano grades is acceptable' or 'do your grade 5 this term, and in the next few months have your grade 6 more or less done' or, '100lbs.' To me, it's very all or nothing. Sacrificing on the inside can be anything from emotionally hiding away my scars with a smile, or the very real sacrifice of my internal body when I didn't eat. 

Why do I keep setting these standards? The thing is, by the off-chance I actually achieve them, it's a rapture that soon ensues. I feel so happy, as if now that I accomplished something so difficult before,and so well to add to that, that this intellectually-fuelled high can last for weeks, and it can sometimes help me to think of it during tougher times. But is it worth the other 2 out of 3 times when I don't quite reach it? When I don't, it really is awful. Everything crashes down. Cue depressing songs and the occasional relapse x.x Anyone else have something similar to this?

Stand up when it's all crashing down

My week is looking pretty bleak at the moment (and this doesn't include any other homework set :'( ):

Friday: Piano exam 

Saturday: Intense revision and this blog post :)

Sunday: GCSE/A-Level Mandarin mock exam

Monday: Latin exam on everything we've learnt

Tuesday: Singing exam

Wednesday: Biology exam on everything we've learnt

On a different note, this is the longest Mandarin essay I've written xD I need to memorise it for my mock this Sunday *^* looks titchy on here but that's like almost 400 characters of work :D

当前英国青少年的情况

青少年运动比以前少了。以前有较多时间锻炼身体，如很多维多利亚时期女孩喜欢跳芭蕾舞，她们的饮食健康，身体很好。但现代青少年经常吃汉堡堡等快餐，很多快餐营养不够丰富，还以引起肥胖蛮，对健康不利。他们也玩游戏，对身体很不好。

青少年喜欢参加社交活动，如朋友聚会和旅游-能学习知识并增进友谊。用智能手机进行信息交流。经常上网，可以帮助学习，交流，还能获得工作机会。

以前人们喜欢经典音乐和电影，如今跟喜欢现代音乐和电影，和很多青少年喜欢看电影《哈利波特》等。

我喜欢健康的生活方式。我每天平均锻炼身体两个小时。如跑步，体操和芭蕾舞。妈妈每天都为我做许多既好吃又有营养的饭菜，所以我能获得足够的能力去学习和运动。我也参加了不要少的朋友聚会，结交了好朋友。我喜欢弹钢琴和唱歌-每周都上课。每天连两个小时。我认为选择好的生活方式对青少年的健康成长非常重要。

Song of the day:

Skinny Love by Bon Iver 

Unfortunately yes, this is a thinspo video. I caught myself watching a few of these last night when I was feeling particularly low, but instead of just finding the music video of it, I thought I'd continue to be honest and just show what I was watching instead. Sorry guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzSKhtJgPho&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Atychiphobia

Sorry, this will be a pause/a break from my Lost in a Wonderland Online; gaming series but I just had to post this today. I'm so sorry on how my posting has turned into once a fortnight, but once exams are all over, I can finally focus on getting everything done. Today I had Young Musician today, a competition run by my school for people to perform in all instruments; piano, wind and brass, strings, singing etc. Each instrument has three subdivisions - Junior (Grades 1-3), Intermediate (Grades 4-6) and Advanced (Grades 7+). Today I was doing Singing Junior and Piano Intermediate. I had told myself not to worry and it was actually working for a bit but then it got to the part where I had to play.

I thought I was doing pretty well, cause I wasn't as nervous as I was last year, but I just stopped listening to the piece. It was almost as if the nervousness stopped me from hearing what I was playing completely. I got the notes right...but maybe not the rhythm/phrasing/texture/dynamics/tonality/derp right xD The singing was just worst. I originally thought that my sining teacher would be playing the accompaniment (we had both made changes to the transcript that would aid me and suit my voice better), but it was a completely different teacher! And on a rusty piano that played pianissimo so that I could hardly hear anything until an important note which made me reailse I was like a whole bar behind :')

But yeah, I can't really blame anyone but myself for messing up. There may have been some other small factors, but I really should be better at this now. It's just made me that much more scared for my piano and singing exams which are exactly one week from now...so yeah :(

I missed the whole day of lessons which was fun I guess. At the end, all the winners of each subdivision (i.e. piano junior 1st, piano intermediate 1st, piano advanced 1st, strings junior 1st...etc.) come together in this great finale. There is a trophy for the overall winner in Junior and Intermediate, one for the overall winner in advanced, and another for an astounding pianist (the person who set up this competition about 30 years ago was a pianist). Watching the finals leaves you speechless. There were some seriously talented people, where it sounds corny to say this, absolutely breathtaking. I wish I could be the musician where when they play, you just can't look at or even think about anything else but their music. And I guess because of that, I see why I didn't get anything this year.

Song of the Day
I dreamed a dreamed - Cover by Rachel Berry in Glee
One of the girls in my category for junior singing sang this song in Young Musician and I loved it :) it is so true and so sad </3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp7ARm2Lwdo&feature=related

Lost in a Wonderland Online; 2

But then I went afk, which then turned into a hiatus, not for very long, for about 3-4 months. But when I got back, things were wrong. I would be in a conversation with the whole guild, yet some would obviously not respond or converse with each other at all. Many made some very obvious jabs at each other which made each other. I noticed that there were a hell of new people but I didn't mind, they were just new people I could make friends with. But when I asked a close friend, she's almost like an aunt to me, what was actually happening.

She said the guild leader Zuli, had invited a lot of new people, and one including a guy called 'Angelisha' (*names all at least slightly changed for their privacy*) who was apparently changing the way things were run. Zuli was apparently putty in his hands, just eager to please him and do what he wanted to do, even if it was to go against the majority of the guild, the majority of her friends. And so one guy had set up another guild called AaB, and since the majority of my friends were going there, I decided to go as well. Unfortunately, that meant the end of that time and it really just went a bit downhill from there :(

Not a very decent picture, but still, the artists of this game are amazing!
I think this is so beautiful <3

Maybe I'm just being overly dramatic, sad and pathetic. But I really do miss them D: Now the new guild AaB is very, very quiet. Hardly anyone goes on, and it has been a long time since I heard anyone talk on it at all. I message a few people, but now what I'm trying to do is talk a lot more on (World) chat so that maybe I can make more friends and be able to find some people who are actually active. I could never bring myself to destroy the game fully, it's like one thing that reminds me of a happier time. It was truly a time where I was 'on top.' There were no exams, no financial problems, no nothing.

But  hey, it paid off, I got into all my schools, even scoring a full scholarship at one of the top 5 schools of London :D But I just miss it I guess x3 there probably will be a time where I will delete, just because whenever I go on it and no one's online, I get just that little bit sad xD

Completely unrelated quote of the day to leave you with a lighter note:

''More stuffed than a 12 year old's bra at a One Directions concert.'' -Anon 

Song of the Day:
Do you want to date my Avatar - The Guild
I actually youtubed this just for this post but I find it quite funny xD I couldn't bring myself to visually watch the whole thing though, tell me what you think of it? c:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU

Empty hallways;

This is the bag which I was talking about that I bought from Granada :) If you go there, they're usually about €10 each, but some really rip off places charge up to €30! But you can haggle it lower and the best excuse is 'I only have €8.14...' *sad-face* and usually they'll let you, plus it's a great way to get rid of change ;) These bags are really pretty and can actually hold A LOT of stuff! They have two pockets in the front for your main accessories/stuff you need quick and regular access to (your phone, keys, wallet etc.) 



But beware, all the buttons will fall off, so make sure you have a couple handy at home, or just buy some really cheaply at local markets. When you pick your bad though, make you looks for any loose threads or other bad craftsmanship, you don't want your bag to start unravelling! They come in a whole variety of colours, and contain and I've been looking for a nice rucksack in London everywhere! But what I love about this is that when it's dirty, you can just pop it in the wash and all will be okay! 

Instead of just ending this as a very short post, I decided to begin my next series of blogs x3 so...prequel time! 

This sounds weird, but I used to LOVE this online game called Wonderland Online. I went on it when I was about 10-12 and I loved it so much. But when I was 11, revision for my 11+ exams began (so that I could gain entry into a secondary school). My time online went from everyday, to once a week...once a month....and then once every December (we go to China for Christmas and my computer there used to be the only one that had the program installed). But every time I went on, I was filled with both incredible joy and melancholy. The glorious virtual music would make me feel like as if I was on an adventure, and I get filled with a childish glee when new quests have been added.

But then people started leaving. They left without a trace. Some of the closest unfortunately without any contact details whatsoever. But this story is way too long to explain in one blog post...so I'm really sorry...but I may have to bore you with more of my sequel posts!

'I was in a guild LaF (standing for Lost and Found). It was such a wonderful guild, everyone was so friendly, it was childish of me to say it was almost like a utopia. People were active, they talked regularly on guild chat so you were never lonely, there was always someone to help you in a quest, everyone saw each other as family- we even called each other sisters/brother/mum/uncle/dad etc. I can confidently and seriously say that I was friends with the 60 or so people in that guild. It was a great time :D

One girl I found out was living in England as well! This caused me to rejoice as with the majority of sites and virtual worlds, most of the users were American :3 We added each other on Facebook, she's slightly older than me by 2 years, but we got along really well! And I can't really remember how this came about, but we just started writing letters to each other :) We both loved drawings and we would just send each other pictures, and doodle as well xD

Song of the Day:
Halo (by Beyonce) piano cover by David Sides
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACU7tgqvqbk&feature=relmfu
Most of you will probably know who David Sides is, but for those who don't - where have you been??! He is an amazing pianist on YouTube has recently stopped making videos :'( he still has some of his old ones and this is my favourite one!

P.S. I have an asking forum! Feel free to ask me any questions you have on: http://ask.fm/account/questions

Granada!

Outside our Spanish school :) Which painfully, decided to situate itself right on top of a hill which we had to hike up every morning :<

Wikipedia photo cred*

Granada was amazing! I was there for 5 days from October 10th til the 15th. It was a little tough, we had about 3 hours of lessons a day (not quite the holiday we were expecting as you can see;) ) It was a total of 15 hours of lessons but it was all really enjoyable. They all really fun and helped us a lot. Plus I learned to roll my r's! :D For the first 14 years of life I could not roll a single r to save my life but now I occasionally can :D My mum does it really really well *-* I'm so jealous! If only it was hereditary!

We went to visit Alhambra, the jewel of Granada, and some say of the whole of Spain. It is an Islamic  palace complex built in the Nasrid dynasty (:o I said that before checking on wikipedia! xD Sorry random~). It was constructed during the mid 10th century in Andalus. It's really beautifully crafted, and it makes me think of the lengths people will go for their faith :3 It reminded me a bit of Istanbul really. I wore gold-tinted sunglasses and so it felt as if I was in Indiana Jones or something exploring the left ruins of a temple xD The name 'Alhambra' means 'La roja' in Spanish or the red castle in English :) The picture on the above right shows the Court of the Lions and the photo on the above left is one detail of the arabesques (both photo creds go to Wikipedia, no copyright infringement intended).

The sky in Granada is really beautiful!

I feel that if I try to describe the whole trip it'll never end xD It was a wonderful trip and now we're all planning gifts to give to the Spanish teachers who came, took us and organised this whole amazing trip :) We also visited Córdoba a small town near Granada in Southern Spain. The city is influenced by 3 main cultures, the Romans, the Muslims and the Jewish. I'll post the things which we bought during our shopping time on my next blog post :) Oh and did you know that pomegranates are from Granada? The town was actually named after the fruit! So if you translate Granada directly, it just means pomegranates! I've gotten into the habit of calling them in pomegranadas in England now... But it's like instead of Birmingham and Manchester, we'd have Scones and Earl Grey Tea as cities! Pienso que, mi español ha mejorado! Hasta la vista chicos!

Song of the day:
Skyfall by Adele
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HKoqNJtMTQ
At first when I heard this I was like 'whaaa?' but it's one of those songs which you love the more you play it :D

Back!

x.x I've literally only just come back from Granada a couple of days ago, and with catching up on all schoolwork and unpacking it's been a nightmare! But I made a promise to post today, and I always do my best to keep them. Granada was brilliant, I'll hopefully be able to do a whole synopsis of it later in the week. It was a great trip, but there were definitely some problems which I will mention later on in my next post. But I just say this video, about a girl who was telling her 'If you really knew me story.' And I really felt for her :( it was so moving especially when she was re-read the taunts. You have to and see it, my heart goes out to this girl <3 She's so brave to make this video and so are all the other hundreds of girls who have done the same (link below).

It really makes my problems seem positively miniscule, melodramatic and pointless in comparison.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLolyWnST3w&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Oh and someone lovingly posted 'Are you just posting this to get views? Anas are freaks' Unfortunately these comments cannot help but in response, no I am not posting any of these to get views. I was posting when I had zero views and I'm still posting no matter how many I get. Sure it's nice to see that some people actually might read or listen to what I have to say. I must admit, I get excited when I see weekly regular hits from Germany, America, Russia, China and all over the world. But even if I didn't, I'd still be posting. My regular posts on Saturday help create a routine for me where there sometimes isn't one, and maybe one or two people out there find a regular timetable helpful instead of my previously erratic one where I'd do 3 in a row and then leave a year in between. Blogging's a nice way to vent, everyone does it for different reasons, but mine aren't to get more views.

Song of the day:
Comptine d'un autre été: l'après midi- Yann Tiersen (again I know, sorry!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZJDNSp1QJA
So amazing! I love this song and I can't wait to learn to play it <3 The animation is really sweet as well.

Promise a better post in the next few days! <3

A little help in your recovery

This may perhaps be the last post I do on my recovery; so that maybe perhaps, it can be put behind :) I do not mind talking about it again in the future (this will most likely include any relapses I experience), but are there any other topics anyone would like me to discuss? It can be anything..from reviews to just general journal entries, DIY to drawings; feel free to leave a comment in the down below! I have a youtube channel as well: http://www.youtube.com/user/ThisPiggyHasWings

But moving on, here is a speech that I recently found. It was by the LIMU founder and CEO. (Here's an interesting fact: Limu is the Hawaiian word for algae! ;)) But I felt the need to share this with you all, no matter what situation you might be in, or if just need a little pick-me-up towards the end of your day:

Life is tough, that's a given.

When you stand up, you're gonna be shoved back down.

When you're down, you're gonna be stepped on.

My advice to you doesn't come with a lot of bells and whistles. It's no secret, you'll fall down, you stumble, you get pushed, you land square on your face. And every time that happens, you get back on your feet. 

You get up just as fast as you can, no matter how many times you need to do it.

Remember this, success has been and continues to be defined as getting up one more time than you've been knocked down.

If experience has taught me anything, it's that nothing is free and living ain't easy. 

Life is hard, real hard, incredibly hard. You fail more often than you win, nobody is handing you anything.

It's up to you to puff up your chest, stretch your neck and overcome all that is difficult, the nasty, the mean, the unfair.

You want more than what you've now, PROVE IT!

You want beat the very best out there that is, prove it.

Get out there and earn it.

-Gary Raser


I absolutely love this speech! I've changed it a little to suit these circumstances but this is still incredibly inspiring and motivational, I try and remember this speech during gymnastics but it can be used in all sorts of situations.

I hate seeing anyone going through this, but I know there's hundreds of thousands of people going through this right now. Some may be on the edge of becoming what I was, some already well in the clasp of anorexia, and to be honest, this sounds corny but it's really true; if I could stop one person from becoming this or make a current anorexic at least rethink what they're doing, then I'll feel like I've achieved a massive goal. But really, the harsh truth is, no one who has seriously experienced anorexia says starving is good/beneficial. If you do want to find someone who does, I'm afraid the only place you'll  find them is at their graves.

Song of the day:

One more by Superchick
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBqYvPZWHAs

To tie in with the theme of the speech :) This is one probably the best songs to workout to in my opinion! You. Can. Do. It.

P.S. I won't be able to do a blog post next week, I'll be in Granada on a Spanish school trip! See you again on 20/10/12

Anorexia is fake

Please watch this video, it hurts because it's so true but you must watch it! I have never seen more truth and honesty in a video than this one. What I really just wanted to do is sum up that video, but with my own story and words.

I have been wanting to be skinny and dieting for as long as I can remember. I can vividly remember when I was in primary school, spending the whole of lunch twirling a hula-hoop because I hoped it would make my waist smaller and I did this for hours on end with no break. I used to sometime skip lunch in Year 5 (10 years old) as well, but then I didn't know what anorexia nervosa or bulimia was. Much later on (around when I was 11), my mum would often make comments saying I was obese, a pig, ate too much and much more. She said I was fat. And I believed her.

I wouldn't say my mother was the sole reason I turned to starving myself. It very rarely is just one singe turning point, but it did contribute. I also had this dream of becoming a model (one which I unfortunately still haven't given up!), I have this pressing need to be seen as perfect. My grades were brilliant, I was popular...now I just needed to have the body and it was all good. I thought size zero was reasonable; and that anyone who couldn't achieve it was just lazy.

I wanted confidence. But all I got was a crippled self-esteem. I wanted popularity. But I just received a permanent scar to my friendships. I wanted to be happy. But I didn't wake up a single day feeling valued or happy. I wanted to starve my emotional pain away. But I just got trapped in a vicious cycle of purging and binging, increasing my sense of worthlessness and pain.And most of all I wanted beauty. That thing people always love, adore but hide these urges inside. That thing which can cause judgement at first glance. At first I did get that. And I'm not gonna lie, but it felt fucking brilliant. But soon after I just got weak, I was unable to do the sports I loved and enjoyed. Ever tried doing gymnastics and doing cartwheels when you haven't eaten for a few days? Not fun. Or running a mini-marathon when the only thing you want to do, is stop the trembling of your muscles? I got constipation, and my hair fell out in massive clumps, one of the few things which I had prided myself with before.

But you just need to remember that;

"You are worth so much more."

So much more. No matter what anyone says, or does or hints. So, just stand up straight, hold your head high, and go about your life like there's a crown on your head; cause you may as well be that princess/prince you dreamed of once upon a time :)

Song of the Day:
Comptine d'Un Autre Été by Yann Tiersen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-1u8xvk54&feature=related
Not technically a song, but it's so beautiful! Dreaming of being able to play this! It's French name translates as 'The Rhyme of Another Summer'

P.S. If you didn't get this, I am not saying anorexia is not a disease at all. It is such a serious illness and I am just showing the difference between what one who suffers from it may expect, and what they truly get in return.

Pro-ana sites

When I was in the deeper throes of my anorexia (is it weird that I shiver a bit inside every time I say that?), I would spend hours a day browsing pro-ana sites. Not necessarily everday, but the story is, I spent a significant amount of time on those sites. Diet sites. Weight-loss sites. Starvation sites. I bookmarked each one. I made friends on pro-ana sites, and we were determined to help each other become thin.

These friends felt like my saviours. They understood me in and out. We might be in different situations; one girl was even serious enough to have been an in-patient for a number of weeks, but we understood each other. No one can really understand until they experience what it is like, to have someone understand you inside and out. To understand your main hopes and fears so clearly, because they were experiencing the same (with no better word to put it) disease. This bond was deeper than having a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Anonymity allowed me to open up to them a lot more than my actual friends. I have actually aclways been afraid of opening up to my friends for fear of appearing weak. I was often the strong, solid rock which my friends relied on or received support. To them I was strong, both physically and emotionally so I could not be weak in any way. No drama would be caused if I told them about the food I ate. No panic attack from my parents. Plus there was also the benefit of having an outsider giving you advice about some problems you may have at work, home or school.

Trust me, you are :)

But do not get a pro-ana friend. It was only until I could let go of them all (even the ones that had helped me recover), that I myself, would recover. I felt like I had a duty towards them, I would continue my pursuit to a sick 'perfection' even if they were recovering. So eventually I let go of them. It saved me from the shame I would experience of telling them that I had recovered as well (but I know that they too would be pleased. They too wanted to recover so much, but for a while like me, they just couldn't). Delete those sites. Delete the texts. You don't have to delete the numbers but you have to let go of them.

Song of the day:
One More Night - Cover by The Fergies
LOVE the beginning! Definitely a band to watch out for :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c1_yANkGSQ&feature=g-u-u

The end of the beginning - The final conclusion

Weight: 121 lbs
BMI: I want to dieeee :D

A few days before the meeting, the nurse had 'coincidentally' arranged to have our annual class weigh-in then. This is when they check your height and your weight to find your BMI. They're not supposed to force it on you but hey, guess my school doesn't operate by those things they call human rights now. I was banking on being able to skip it because of this so I freely drank a bottle of water and chilled out whilst my friends were stressing and chattering nervously. You must remember, that before this, although my eating wasn't brilliant, I had not weighed myself in weeks. I had dabbled in recovery but this proved too hard too many times at first. But when my name was finally called, the nurse once again made it clear that I would  not leave until I was weighed and told me there was another class that was waiting behind. So I got weighed, saw the number and kinda felt a little sick rise up in my throat. Fun.

*Two days later*

I was so nervous on the day of the meeting. I couldn't concentrate and I was just filled with dread for the whole day. I made sure to add money to my card this whole week so I was eating a 'normal' lunch almost everyday. I told my friends I was going to the toilet so I would be late for tag rugby. The meeting went better than expected, but they had already been talking to my dad for a while before I got there, I guess they wanted to lull me into a false sense of security in the meeting. The meeting consisted of the nurse, our head of year, my dad and myself and it was brought to a close when it was decided I would be bringing pack lunch everyday and that other teachers would be monitoring me. SO MUCH FOR CONFIDENTIALITY.

After tag rugby club, I told my parents that I brought food from outside (there's a lot of Pret a Manger's, Costa's and Boots' outside my school) which was why I didn't buy much from the school. They knew I hated school food so this excuse slid in well. But the meeting did cause them to be angsty for weeks on end. This just stressed me out even more, especially as exams grew closer.

During exam week, I knew I needed more food to be able to function properly, it really wouldn't do me very well if I fainted mid-exam now would it? I probably value grades the same amount I used to value thin at my peak so I began eating more during dinner and breakfast. Lunch stayed more or less the same but it was already making a massive difference. Eventually, the week before exam week I had managed to consume half a sandwich in my lunches. Exams leave me incredibly drained. My heart races for pressure and I sweat like I've just done a workout, with three exams a day, I literally fell asleep as soon as I got home. Wake up at around 9 to eat and then go back to sleep. Then I'd wake up at about 3am, unable to fall asleep again so I'd get up and start revising until school started and then repeat.

And eventually, I grew to love myself. It wasn't easy, and when my concave stomach disappeared, part of me so desperately wanted to go back to the way it was. But the thing is, the rational part of me didn't. The rational part knew that I was sick of feeling horrible about myself, sick of counting, hiding, losing friends. I was sick of being sick.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but it rising every time we fall'' -Confucius 

So don't ever give up. There will be days where you want to give up and slip back, hell even weeks and months. But that's so much better then maybe never being able to ever have lived those days just because of it. I still find it hard to say the word anorexic out loud, and I'm far from going out and proclaiming I'm a recovering anorexic. But maybe that's okay, to just move on and keep it under wraps. It will never leave me, it'll probably haunt for ever. But I'm sure as hell not letting it define me.

 

Song of the day:

Love the Way You Lie- Cover by Ariana Grande

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SawLM-aCgdY&feature=related

I only really like the bit before the chorus, it makes the song seem so much more ethereal as you realise what the lyrics actually are!

The end of the beginning - Part 3

Weight: 120lbs

BMI: 20.0

My mum forced me to weigh myself :'( When I told her I wasn't weighing myself regularly, she freaked out! She said you need to weigh yourself everyday so you can know if you need to eat less one day or more, detect any dramatic weight changes (huh, you'd think one would notice if day gained'dropped 5 kilos in a day?). She said she wouldn't cook me any dinner if I didn't weigh myself. How ironic life can be?

A few months ago it was my birthday (ok I lie...it was in March :') just shows how well I've kept to regular blogging...). I was having a joint birthday party with a friend and it was mainly a massive sleepover and since people were getting hungry, we added dinner at Cafe Rouge to the mix as well. Nearly everyone ordered the large chicken baguette but when I ordered a salad and small baguettes, people freaked out. The girl who I was actually having the joint part with said "You're not gonna ruin today with your eating now are you?" I thought it was enough, I had chomped my way through a couple of rollos and the small baguettes were pretty big. But eventually I complied with adding a small cup of chips. When some people tried to take some chips (as in the friendly everyone shares food way), two friends kept shouting at them saying "Don't take Jenni's chips! It's all she has to eat!" Quite awkward...

Now getting towards the end of the year in about mid-May, I wanted to bunk off a particular lesson because I didn't like it and hadn't done the homework. After wondering the school from browsing library books and loitering in the loos, I decided to go to the nurse. She knew I was having eating problems and most of the time I could just bring up an old problem for her to 'counsel' me about, a brilliant way at killing time. But when I entered her office and she said "Hello! I was actually about to call for you." I knew something was wrong. She continued by saying "How's you're eating?" When I replied more or less the same but getting better I guess that was my mistake. I should have said I was eating bucketfuls by the day, how I embraced food (loljk) and liked trying out new exotic delicacies.

"Well, I can see that you've had this problem for a long time, really before I was a nurse at this school. The headmistress has called for the nurse to call parents of students, who's lunch balances are either significantly higher or lower than average. Your's is significantly lower, with week long gaps before you eat anything at school. We'll have to make an appointment with your parents to discuss this. When are they most likely free?"

Honest to hell I cried a little. Mainly from shock and how I had no say whatsoever in this. I felt like I had stabbed in the back. I had confided in her, and now she was gonna tell my parents, who would make it a much bigger deal than it was. As I've said to before, the more people realised what I was, the more I felt like I had to live up high 'anorexic standards' thus pushing me even further. Last time I ever went to her for help. She even had me take part in the call. The meeting was scheduled for next week Wednesday straight after school, and I could feel my life coming to a close.

Song of the day:

Starships by Nicki Minaj

I loved this song the first time I heard it! It's addictive in a weird way?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=Nwz3z8CmIbI

The end of the beginning - Part 2

Weight: Sworn off weighing myself...it's unhealthy.

BMI: </3

After the first few days, things started to spiral downwards. I could feel friends whispering. One day, I made the mistake of going to the cafeteria with friends to pick up my daily apple and orange juice, but my two friends stopped me and dragged me to buy a potatojacket (no cheese). I was a little hesitant, and this gave them the opportunity to berate me. A long time ago, I had given up eating bagels mainly of the calories, but soon enough, because I had been eating so little of processed carbohydrates, I would actually feel physically sick eating them. A small nausea builds up and I almost instantly want to spit it out and this isn't an exaggeration. My friend then offered me a portion of her cream cheese bagel and when I politely declined, she grew angry saying 'But you always loved bagels before! Then you just stopped eating them and then eating them in general!' I had hoped to wait them out because we had football but they were determined, when I went to throw away my barely eaten potato one friend shouted at me in the middle of the cafeteria and grabbed me to stop me, but I was quicker and managed to tip the plate into the bin.

Never forget this...it took me too long to realise

This caused a lot more whispers, and I don't why, but the first thing I thought of was that the boys school wouldn't find out. Was I that insecure that I cared about what a group of guys that didn't know thought about  me? Why yes. Yes I was. The friend who had pretended to be anorexic was seen as attention-seeking and a liar by them to put it bluntly, so I stopped going to lunch with friends and my social life took a small plummet.

I reached size zero during Lent, and it made me so happy! A perfect 24 inch waist, concave stomach and a thigh gap! This just spurred on my determination. But when I had hit that milestone, I began to doubt myself. The next step was size 00. That seemed a little far for me, but I just said to myself to continue the way I was and all would be fine. I would probably hit a weight plateau soon enough and then I could just continue like this after Lent. It would be fine. Of course it would.

Song of the day:

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane (cover by Max Schneider and Elizabeth Gillies)

The more times I listen to this, I slowly like it more and more. It's  little different from what I usually listen to but it's good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3trFAwjgEM&feature=relmfu

Just a head's up - The end of the beginning Part 1

So much has happened since my last blog post, and I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply. But hopefully with this post, I'll begin to close this chapter of my life.

I went much deeper into starving myself. The opportunity of Lent was almost too good to miss and so I did it by swearing off all junk food and mass sugar (because it's impossible to completely cut out sugar, it's in EVERYTHING. Fruit, bread etc), and I could tell my friends because they thought it was normal. It's Lent, so people are allowed to take on these 'diets' and this type of starving is considered the norm for 40 days of the year. My day consisted of the following food:

Breakfast:
A slice of toast (couldn't escape that, my dad has breakfast with me)
Lunch:
Orange juice and an apple
or
200g of vegetables
Dinner:
Varied, but usually a small bowl of soup and a little fish.

+ >two hours of physical activity a day.

The turning point was when I was in a ballet lesson. Friday evening and I was in the middle of a 90 minute ballet lesson concentrating on travelling turns, pirouettes and jumps. Mid-pirouette I felt the breath leave me and my mind blank from the exhaustion of concentrating. For a second I was completely disorientated and felt all the strength in me was gone, then I dropped to the floor. I had almost fainted, but I managed to feign to my ballet teacher that I had just lost my balance. I mentioned this to a friend, but she had told another who began to worry about me, I just said it was because I wasn't having enough sugar, but she loudly said 'No, it's because you're not eating enough.' after having me declare a fuller version everything I ate in a day. People began getting on my back, but only cause they cared for me, this I know. But it grew ugly. One girl in my class had faked an eating disorder last year and was incredibly lowly thought of then, it made me so scared of being called a fake, and so I starved my self even more. I didn't feel like someone who was sick, someone who could live up to the self-set high standards I had of anorexics. I kept pushing myself and every binge made me feel like a failure, I felt as if the whole world was expecting me to live up to this stereo-typical image of anorexics (the 'classic' infamous Isabelle Caro body), not realising it was all conjured up in my mind.

Song of the day:
So sick by Neyo (cover by Sam Tsui and Max Schneider)
I've fallen in love with this cover <3 I've never heard the original and I don't think I want to hear it now!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Gm1Re3FgM&feature=g-u-u

65/35

Today I went back to those forbidden sites. Today I went back to the beautiful girls and buddies I'd previously. Today i don't know whether I'm feeling trapped or alive. Today I'll go back on the scales, the ones I've feared so much. It's been months since I last weighed my self... Let's see what they say.

Weight: 120 lbs
BMI: 20.0

I'm absolutely disgusted. And sick. I actually shook as I came down from the scales. 120lbs?! That's more than when I started and it was a place I swore I'd never go to again. Not too long ago I was 9lbs heavier. Almost 5 kilos heavier. I want to cry. I want to scream. I'm so confused...I've been exercising A lot more than I did before but somehow I've become a horribly obese thing. And it needs to change now.

Song of the day: 
Hey Soul Sister by Train An old classic song that I used to love singing all the time

60/40

Weight: So scared
BMI: </3


There are kind of two voices in my head. But they're like parts of me. And I'm constantly listening to 'them/me' whenever I have the choice of buying food, or do anything food related like go into the school canteen. One is Rationality. The other is Ana. Rationality has thousands upon thousands of reasons. 'You'll have really bad metabolism, your gorgeous hair'll fall out, you'll never me that athletically strong person you want to be, etc' and Ana only has a few 'You might not ever be able to please your mother but you can keep on trying, your ex's current girlfriend's legs, the previously gorgeous concave stomach you had before, skinny, skinny, skinny.' But for some reason Ana is stronger. Despite all the arguments Rationality throws at her/me, her voice stronger, almost more seductive, full of dangerously beautiful promises.

12th February 2012
60/40 to Ana


I can feel her getting stronger, no matter how much the voice inside me is screaming to not follow her. It's screaming and shouting but I feel like I've already dived without a bungee rope.


Song of the Day: Secrets by Tiffany Alvord and ThePianoGuys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxRMFwPpkBE&feature=g-u-u&context=G21f56edFUAAAAAAAaAA



I was originally subscribed to ThePianoGuys but they linked the vocal version of this piece and her voice is absolutely stunning! Such a beautiful song <3

24th December 2011‏

Weight: No
BMI: Scales
 
Dinner parties once a day really do kill :// But I've found myself becoming more and more like a vegetarian. A few days ago a saw a chicken being brutally tied up and it sounded as if it was in so much pain. I've always been an avid animal lover and after that I've eaten a lot less meat than I normally would have. The only problem is that my relatives are all meat lovers and shove it all on my plate even if I protest and if I don't eat at least most of the portion they've given me, the whole table of about 15 other blooday people start talking about me :// One thing that also really irks me during these dinner parties is that everyone is now talking about their weight. And how most of the women force themselves to stop eating after the starter (saying, I'm on a diet, and binge 20 minutes later =.=) which makes me really self-conscious cause I don't eat once someone has finished. And in more dinner parties than I can count, the weight of me and my sister is compared. My sister has a kidney/gut problem which means that any foods/supplements she eats/processes she only gets around half the nutrients and also half the calories. We weigh the same and I'm an inch taller than her even though she's 11 years older than me. She has a skinny frame but this constant talk of food and weight than eating the actual food. Sigh.
 
Song of the Day:
Untouched by The Veronicas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykW4rtW2eu0&ob=av2e
An old favourite of mine. One of the first ''illegal'' songs I downloaded in China :3 

22 December 2011‏

Weight: Unknown

BMI: Unknown

Because Blogger (and Facebook and YouTube AND time-travelling :() has been banned over here in China I thought I'd just do a few, send them to my e-mail and just post them up later so none of you guys feel too deprived ;) We don't have a set of scales here so I can't weigh myself here either :L China's been alright so far, I'm actually eating a lot less than I thought I would and I don't eat half as much meat either :) How awesome if I lose weight as well *-* I've only been doing about 20 minutes of exercise every two days unfortunately...it is quite hard to get motivated when you're in a freezing 0* degrees room :S I'll try doing 20 minutes a day and then gradually increasing soon.

'No matter how little you run, you're lapping those on the couch.'

Song of the Day: 

Home for the Holidays by Emmy the Great

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URCNMEbgd_w

Because YouTube is banned here, it's just one of those songs I've got on repeat on my iPhone :)