Apprehension

Deep breath. Deeps breaths. Or so I keep telling myself to do. I'm very much nervous for the Easter holidays. Because after Easter, begins the intense, utterly suffocating revising. Every teacher is talking about exams until they become your constant and only  thought :// It's a claustrophobic time, and with the ever-growing pressure of this necessity to succeed; it seems that it can only get worse. Girls have a tendency to think ahead more than boys. And so right now I'm thinking  that if I don't pass my end of year exams I will not only disapooint my parents, but my teachers as well. And this will be a reflection of my GCSE results. If I fail those I won't get into a good university, I won't have a good job, I won't have any money, no one will love me because I'm such a failure and I won't find happiness in life- because of these exams. Even I can see, that this is a bit of an over-reaction, but this is the poison that fuels my anxiety.

And exams week should be known as Doomsweek in my opinion. This may seem overly dramatic, especially those who are lucky enough not to have this crippling fear. But I'm really. Really. Really. Bad with exams. I fainted during one of my SATs :') I shake and tremble going to the exam room. I can barely speak because my throat is choked up with fear. It's awful.

What was originally a Christian celebration of the resurrection of Christ, has now
turned into a stretched session of stuffing one's face with chocolate eggs.

And the worst is when I think I do well, but I don't get bountiful grades. To me, a 'B' is awful. When other people get one, I'm fine with it, and if it's the best grade that they achieve in the subject, well good on them for reaching it. But when I think of myself getting a B, the whole ground seems to just swallow me up ._. I think how could I be so stupid? Such a failure? Thankfully I only had one last year, but still :( Having only one kinda makes it even worse in a way though, if you get what I mean?

I'm hoping this year I can manage to stay a little more level-headed, but I'm getting a little jittery already; I cna't really imagine the state of me three months from now.

Song of the Day
Sanssouci by Rufus Wainwright
My sister showed me this song when we went to Berlin to see Sanssouci. Which means without a worry in French. Which is exactly what my sister looked like when she was listening to the song. It was a dream really; we were walking in the Autumn with the golden leaves falling around us on our way there and our parents close behind us. It was quiet, and my sister just looked so relaxed, high eyes closed; relishing the chorus of the song. I wish I could play the day again like I do with this song, just to wipe all the pain from her face nowadays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfXGxyuSJpM

Tweet of the Day

Languages

I have just finished a flurry of exams, including my Mandarin GCSE coursework controlled assessments! Mandarin is not my first language, nor is it my second (although everyone assumes so because I'm Chinese). To me, your 'first language' is the first one you had contact with and you are very fluent. Maybe not your most fluent language, but it is the first language you were exposed to and so usually the one you speak and learn in. And so for me it goes:

1. Shanghainese

2. English

3. Mandarin

4. Spanish

(Oh and it can only count as a language if you can go to the country, and see yourself not desperately struggling if you lived there for a week or something xD). Now, some may say 'DAFUQ IS SHANGHAICRAPANESE??!!' 

Basically, it is a dialect, that is spoken in Shanghai. To me at least, it is a very casual sort of language. There are some words which are pretty similar to Mandarin, but in general, most words are completely different. More or less ALL Shanghainese speakers speak Mandarin, but this is not the same vice versa. In fact, most Mandarin speakers can't speak Mandarin. And this dialect, like many others, contains phrases, idioms, etc. that cannot be expressed in other languages, and any other possible translations doesn't capture the essence of what it means. At all. Do you really think Chinese people have prosperity and longevity in their normal dialect??!

TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK. GREAT, IT'S FULFILLED ALL SAID REQUIREMENTS. AND STILL NOTHING.

Shanghainese and Mandarin are even more different from each other than Spanish and Italian. So I don't see why it doesn't qualify as a language. I must digress though, 99.9% it isn't written. But in some circumstances (I can't think of any), people felt the need to have to write in down. And apparently the Shanghainese peeps were a bit lazy, and so said 'Let's use Mandarin instead,' and so Mandarin words are used to pronounce the characters. (see below, sorry if I made your phone spaz, I know some asian characters do do that to some devices. That's a hint you should GET IT UPGRADED. Just a tip.)

Shanghainese:

‘侬好！侬看到古伊伐？’

Mandarin:

‘你好！你看见过他吗？’

English:

Hello! Have you seen him (around)?'

Anyways, that's my rant over. So if you ever happen to stumble across someone who thinks otherwise, direct them kindly here, or give them a noogie from me. Yes. I actually said noogie.

Song of the Day:

Don't you Worry Child - Swedish House Mafia cover by Freak Morice (I don't like their new band name, so I'll stick with their old one).

I have yet to decide if the original or cover is better. But this is a good twist on the song, and I like how much more stripped down and raw it is in comparison and still sounds good. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4t_f-v6Tww

Favourite tweet of the day:

2013!

First of all, many apologies for my lack of posting! I've spent the last 3 weeks in China, and I had no idea that Blogger would be banned over there! I spent the holiday trying to access it via various proxies but unfortunately none of them would get me past the log in stage! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's, hopefully I can make up the lost posts as soon as possible! Best wishes for what this year has in store for us! Now let's get started on this post~~

Hello there :3 I can't believe another year has passed. I won't try to make a hundred different new year's resolutions where I struggle to keep count of them let alone follow them for 365 days. But I'll say a few of my hopes for the new year. On Decemeber 31st I was going round my normal routine, nothing really exciting to be honest, and it wasn't until about 10.43pm when I realised, 'Fuck. It's 2013 tomorrow.' It came as a bit of a shock really.

I didn't quite know what to do.

If I look back, I can't remember much, but I feel happy about it. It was pretty tough I remember, especially around May and June, which were exam months. But I got through it. And I'm proud of it. My music exams are done, I'm anxious for my big January exams, but I've worked hard and I'll be ready as I'll ever be. I'm eating now as well, which is good. I haven't done anything stupid that has stood out to be which is great as well.

So here's my New Year's Resolution countdown that I'll leave with you, I hope you'll consider it as one of yours as well~

5. When you are saying YES to someone else, make sure you are not saying NO to yourself.

4. Life is sorrow. Overcome it. Life is a challenge. Overcome it. Life is an adventure. Dare it.

3. [Myself] Right now, someone is out there having the best day of their lives. Make that person YOU!

2. Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain. But you can't make a rainbow, without a little rain.

1. No matter what happens, keep shooting for the moon, because even if you fail, you'll land amongst the stars <3

Happy New Year everyone~

Atychiphobia

Sorry, this will be a pause/a break from my Lost in a Wonderland Online; gaming series but I just had to post this today. I'm so sorry on how my posting has turned into once a fortnight, but once exams are all over, I can finally focus on getting everything done. Today I had Young Musician today, a competition run by my school for people to perform in all instruments; piano, wind and brass, strings, singing etc. Each instrument has three subdivisions - Junior (Grades 1-3), Intermediate (Grades 4-6) and Advanced (Grades 7+). Today I was doing Singing Junior and Piano Intermediate. I had told myself not to worry and it was actually working for a bit but then it got to the part where I had to play.

I thought I was doing pretty well, cause I wasn't as nervous as I was last year, but I just stopped listening to the piece. It was almost as if the nervousness stopped me from hearing what I was playing completely. I got the notes right...but maybe not the rhythm/phrasing/texture/dynamics/tonality/derp right xD The singing was just worst. I originally thought that my sining teacher would be playing the accompaniment (we had both made changes to the transcript that would aid me and suit my voice better), but it was a completely different teacher! And on a rusty piano that played pianissimo so that I could hardly hear anything until an important note which made me reailse I was like a whole bar behind :')

But yeah, I can't really blame anyone but myself for messing up. There may have been some other small factors, but I really should be better at this now. It's just made me that much more scared for my piano and singing exams which are exactly one week from now...so yeah :(

I missed the whole day of lessons which was fun I guess. At the end, all the winners of each subdivision (i.e. piano junior 1st, piano intermediate 1st, piano advanced 1st, strings junior 1st...etc.) come together in this great finale. There is a trophy for the overall winner in Junior and Intermediate, one for the overall winner in advanced, and another for an astounding pianist (the person who set up this competition about 30 years ago was a pianist). Watching the finals leaves you speechless. There were some seriously talented people, where it sounds corny to say this, absolutely breathtaking. I wish I could be the musician where when they play, you just can't look at or even think about anything else but their music. And I guess because of that, I see why I didn't get anything this year.

Song of the Day
I dreamed a dreamed - Cover by Rachel Berry in Glee
One of the girls in my category for junior singing sang this song in Young Musician and I loved it :) it is so true and so sad </3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp7ARm2Lwdo&feature=related

The end of the beginning - The final conclusion

Weight: 121 lbs
BMI: I want to dieeee :D

A few days before the meeting, the nurse had 'coincidentally' arranged to have our annual class weigh-in then. This is when they check your height and your weight to find your BMI. They're not supposed to force it on you but hey, guess my school doesn't operate by those things they call human rights now. I was banking on being able to skip it because of this so I freely drank a bottle of water and chilled out whilst my friends were stressing and chattering nervously. You must remember, that before this, although my eating wasn't brilliant, I had not weighed myself in weeks. I had dabbled in recovery but this proved too hard too many times at first. But when my name was finally called, the nurse once again made it clear that I would  not leave until I was weighed and told me there was another class that was waiting behind. So I got weighed, saw the number and kinda felt a little sick rise up in my throat. Fun.

*Two days later*

I was so nervous on the day of the meeting. I couldn't concentrate and I was just filled with dread for the whole day. I made sure to add money to my card this whole week so I was eating a 'normal' lunch almost everyday. I told my friends I was going to the toilet so I would be late for tag rugby. The meeting went better than expected, but they had already been talking to my dad for a while before I got there, I guess they wanted to lull me into a false sense of security in the meeting. The meeting consisted of the nurse, our head of year, my dad and myself and it was brought to a close when it was decided I would be bringing pack lunch everyday and that other teachers would be monitoring me. SO MUCH FOR CONFIDENTIALITY.

After tag rugby club, I told my parents that I brought food from outside (there's a lot of Pret a Manger's, Costa's and Boots' outside my school) which was why I didn't buy much from the school. They knew I hated school food so this excuse slid in well. But the meeting did cause them to be angsty for weeks on end. This just stressed me out even more, especially as exams grew closer.

During exam week, I knew I needed more food to be able to function properly, it really wouldn't do me very well if I fainted mid-exam now would it? I probably value grades the same amount I used to value thin at my peak so I began eating more during dinner and breakfast. Lunch stayed more or less the same but it was already making a massive difference. Eventually, the week before exam week I had managed to consume half a sandwich in my lunches. Exams leave me incredibly drained. My heart races for pressure and I sweat like I've just done a workout, with three exams a day, I literally fell asleep as soon as I got home. Wake up at around 9 to eat and then go back to sleep. Then I'd wake up at about 3am, unable to fall asleep again so I'd get up and start revising until school started and then repeat.

And eventually, I grew to love myself. It wasn't easy, and when my concave stomach disappeared, part of me so desperately wanted to go back to the way it was. But the thing is, the rational part of me didn't. The rational part knew that I was sick of feeling horrible about myself, sick of counting, hiding, losing friends. I was sick of being sick.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but it rising every time we fall'' -Confucius 

So don't ever give up. There will be days where you want to give up and slip back, hell even weeks and months. But that's so much better then maybe never being able to ever have lived those days just because of it. I still find it hard to say the word anorexic out loud, and I'm far from going out and proclaiming I'm a recovering anorexic. But maybe that's okay, to just move on and keep it under wraps. It will never leave me, it'll probably haunt for ever. But I'm sure as hell not letting it define me.

 

Song of the day:

Love the Way You Lie- Cover by Ariana Grande

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SawLM-aCgdY&feature=related

I only really like the bit before the chorus, it makes the song seem so much more ethereal as you realise what the lyrics actually are!