Pro-ana sites

When I was in the deeper throes of my anorexia (is it weird that I shiver a bit inside every time I say that?), I would spend hours a day browsing pro-ana sites. Not necessarily everday, but the story is, I spent a significant amount of time on those sites. Diet sites. Weight-loss sites. Starvation sites. I bookmarked each one. I made friends on pro-ana sites, and we were determined to help each other become thin.

These friends felt like my saviours. They understood me in and out. We might be in different situations; one girl was even serious enough to have been an in-patient for a number of weeks, but we understood each other. No one can really understand until they experience what it is like, to have someone understand you inside and out. To understand your main hopes and fears so clearly, because they were experiencing the same (with no better word to put it) disease. This bond was deeper than having a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Anonymity allowed me to open up to them a lot more than my actual friends. I have actually aclways been afraid of opening up to my friends for fear of appearing weak. I was often the strong, solid rock which my friends relied on or received support. To them I was strong, both physically and emotionally so I could not be weak in any way. No drama would be caused if I told them about the food I ate. No panic attack from my parents. Plus there was also the benefit of having an outsider giving you advice about some problems you may have at work, home or school.

Trust me, you are :)

But do not get a pro-ana friend. It was only until I could let go of them all (even the ones that had helped me recover), that I myself, would recover. I felt like I had a duty towards them, I would continue my pursuit to a sick 'perfection' even if they were recovering. So eventually I let go of them. It saved me from the shame I would experience of telling them that I had recovered as well (but I know that they too would be pleased. They too wanted to recover so much, but for a while like me, they just couldn't). Delete those sites. Delete the texts. You don't have to delete the numbers but you have to let go of them.

Song of the day:
One More Night - Cover by The Fergies
LOVE the beginning! Definitely a band to watch out for :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c1_yANkGSQ&feature=g-u-u

The end of the beginning - Part 3

Weight: 120lbs

BMI: 20.0

My mum forced me to weigh myself :'( When I told her I wasn't weighing myself regularly, she freaked out! She said you need to weigh yourself everyday so you can know if you need to eat less one day or more, detect any dramatic weight changes (huh, you'd think one would notice if day gained'dropped 5 kilos in a day?). She said she wouldn't cook me any dinner if I didn't weigh myself. How ironic life can be?

A few months ago it was my birthday (ok I lie...it was in March :') just shows how well I've kept to regular blogging...). I was having a joint birthday party with a friend and it was mainly a massive sleepover and since people were getting hungry, we added dinner at Cafe Rouge to the mix as well. Nearly everyone ordered the large chicken baguette but when I ordered a salad and small baguettes, people freaked out. The girl who I was actually having the joint part with said "You're not gonna ruin today with your eating now are you?" I thought it was enough, I had chomped my way through a couple of rollos and the small baguettes were pretty big. But eventually I complied with adding a small cup of chips. When some people tried to take some chips (as in the friendly everyone shares food way), two friends kept shouting at them saying "Don't take Jenni's chips! It's all she has to eat!" Quite awkward...

Now getting towards the end of the year in about mid-May, I wanted to bunk off a particular lesson because I didn't like it and hadn't done the homework. After wondering the school from browsing library books and loitering in the loos, I decided to go to the nurse. She knew I was having eating problems and most of the time I could just bring up an old problem for her to 'counsel' me about, a brilliant way at killing time. But when I entered her office and she said "Hello! I was actually about to call for you." I knew something was wrong. She continued by saying "How's you're eating?" When I replied more or less the same but getting better I guess that was my mistake. I should have said I was eating bucketfuls by the day, how I embraced food (loljk) and liked trying out new exotic delicacies.

"Well, I can see that you've had this problem for a long time, really before I was a nurse at this school. The headmistress has called for the nurse to call parents of students, who's lunch balances are either significantly higher or lower than average. Your's is significantly lower, with week long gaps before you eat anything at school. We'll have to make an appointment with your parents to discuss this. When are they most likely free?"

Honest to hell I cried a little. Mainly from shock and how I had no say whatsoever in this. I felt like I had stabbed in the back. I had confided in her, and now she was gonna tell my parents, who would make it a much bigger deal than it was. As I've said to before, the more people realised what I was, the more I felt like I had to live up high 'anorexic standards' thus pushing me even further. Last time I ever went to her for help. She even had me take part in the call. The meeting was scheduled for next week Wednesday straight after school, and I could feel my life coming to a close.

Song of the day:

Starships by Nicki Minaj

I loved this song the first time I heard it! It's addictive in a weird way?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=Nwz3z8CmIbI