Anger towards sadness

(Paraphrased quote because I can't quite remember what it was, but you get the gist):

Because you my friend...are rich.

'If you have a home which will always have dinner, an education that does not depend on your ability to pay, a few close loved ones that will support you all the way, freedom to roam and to speak, then you my friend, are rich.'

And have no fucking reason to be sad.

This seems entirely hypocritical of me, especially since I've spent the better part of my blog posts moping and ranting particularly between 2011-2012, but I'm done with it.

I want to stop procrastinating. Over thinking, anxiety, coveting, dread, wondering about what could have been, and not being able to forgive is all procrastination. Where is it getting you? NOWHERE. I've now realised why, when during lows and panic attacks, people in general feel exhausted. It is the anxiety and mental thoughts which can drive you to the limit, torment you and drain you of all your energy. 

To be honest, if you're in the right, or the things that happened were completely out of your control and you had no cause in it whatsoever, you don't deserve to be upset. If one of your dearest died? Respect their death. Make them so proud that they wouldn't believe it. And come out stronger than you ever were before. If a friend is in trouble and you're worried? To put it bluntly, it's none of your business. But show them that you're there for them, or find help if they don't have the means to. And if you're in the wrong? Well go and correct your mistake. Now. Do you know what will happen when you do? Release. It doesn't matter the consequences, quit being a pussy and face them. What will fear do for you? Nothing. What will waiting do for you? Nothing. They can only make things worse. 

It makes me so sad to see people angry at life, just because those who were close to them, failed them. Or when people give up when they feel no one cares. Learn to accept mistakes, there's only so long you can beat yourself up about it. I'm definitely not trying to say people cannot be upset at all, cause hey, we're humans, and sometimes words do hurt more than sticks and stones. But when that starts to define you? Hell no. 

'Oh well, it's easy to say when you've recovered from anorexia and others. But it's not like you understand what it's like to cut yourself  or be raped or have your parents die or be constantly bullied in your life.'

One, you can never, ever, recover from anorexia. Once you get into it, it's always there. Which is why, I absolutely hate girls seeking attention by 'dabbling', but that's a whole other argument altogether. 

And well, I have cut myself. Once. But afterwards when I came to my senses and realised that if I kept going, there would only be deeper and longer. Much like anorexia, it is something which can easily turn into a vicious cycle and have been caused by much deeper and perhaps more serious problems. And you're right, I am eternally thankful that my parents have not yet died, nor have I been raped, and I don't think I could imagine the after effects of such horrific ordeals. For that I am eternally grateful. And it is understandable, if some people need a period of time to get all the upset and shock out of their system. But there has to come a point when you ask yourself, what next? Do I continue like this? Do I let them win? Am I now defined by this?

Recovery from anything is so hard. That cannot be denied. There will be countless times where you fall, and sometimes you just want go back down the slippery slope. Because after all, it is easier to fall instead of climb. And some times, some days will just seem too dark for any hope. But you can become stronger. It doesn't matter what you've been through. You deserve to be this. Have respect for yourself. Just remember, that once you're through, and you've reached the finishing line, no matter what anyone yes, you've won a bloody gold medal and more.

تبقى قوية

Mantente fuerte

Մնա ուժեղ

强留

kukaa imara

強いままでいる

Blijf sterk

However, instead of sadness, you do have reason to be angry at the world. 

To be angry that they wealth of the top 3% in the world is the same as the bottom 97%. That means a couple hundred thousand of people have the same as BILLIONS. To be angry that the truth isn't told. To be angry that some people are killed, disgraced and imprisoned for their race, sexuality and less. To be horrified that concentration camps in North Korea have 'guard dog training', whereby packs of dogs are set on innocent prisoners, usually children, in order to 'train' them, and are rewarded for prolonged pain and tormentation. The children are either left completely savaged with faces ripped off and perhaps missing organs or bleeding to death. To be angry that although this sounds bad, there are probably things much worse that have been hidden, and we just don't know about. 

Do you these people chose to be said colour, race or sexuality? No. But don't just sit there with this anger. Do something. Make someone's darkness, beautiful. To realise that you have forever changed someone's life for the better is incredible. It can be anything from donating to give a child an education, or campaigning for an end to trafficking. Put your past into use. Experience is gold. 

If you need any more help, maybe this will help:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJvEoLPLIg8

But please don't lose yourself because of the past. Don't feel that no one cares about what happens to you. Because I care. Doesn't matter if you know me or not in real life. You have the potential for everything and beyond. You have the potential/already are, someone's world. Don't go destroying that. For any help, feel free to contact me on here or leave a comment. 

Song of the Day
Our own Versailles by Galt Aureus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fgWs5mFmoM
Unfortunately I can't seem to find a video for you guys without the introduction, however, I'm acbsolutely loving this band! I found it as it was the backing track on a Photoshop tutorial and I'm loving their music! Some of their videos only have a few thousand views (might just be and the replay button...) but you should definitely check them out. They're definitely gonna be big!

בלייַבן שטאַרק

Μείνετε ισχυρή

꿋꿋

Bleiben Sie stark

Restez forts

rimanere forte

Stay strong.

Pro-ana sites

When I was in the deeper throes of my anorexia (is it weird that I shiver a bit inside every time I say that?), I would spend hours a day browsing pro-ana sites. Not necessarily everday, but the story is, I spent a significant amount of time on those sites. Diet sites. Weight-loss sites. Starvation sites. I bookmarked each one. I made friends on pro-ana sites, and we were determined to help each other become thin.

These friends felt like my saviours. They understood me in and out. We might be in different situations; one girl was even serious enough to have been an in-patient for a number of weeks, but we understood each other. No one can really understand until they experience what it is like, to have someone understand you inside and out. To understand your main hopes and fears so clearly, because they were experiencing the same (with no better word to put it) disease. This bond was deeper than having a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Anonymity allowed me to open up to them a lot more than my actual friends. I have actually aclways been afraid of opening up to my friends for fear of appearing weak. I was often the strong, solid rock which my friends relied on or received support. To them I was strong, both physically and emotionally so I could not be weak in any way. No drama would be caused if I told them about the food I ate. No panic attack from my parents. Plus there was also the benefit of having an outsider giving you advice about some problems you may have at work, home or school.

Trust me, you are :)

But do not get a pro-ana friend. It was only until I could let go of them all (even the ones that had helped me recover), that I myself, would recover. I felt like I had a duty towards them, I would continue my pursuit to a sick 'perfection' even if they were recovering. So eventually I let go of them. It saved me from the shame I would experience of telling them that I had recovered as well (but I know that they too would be pleased. They too wanted to recover so much, but for a while like me, they just couldn't). Delete those sites. Delete the texts. You don't have to delete the numbers but you have to let go of them.

Song of the day:
One More Night - Cover by The Fergies
LOVE the beginning! Definitely a band to watch out for :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c1_yANkGSQ&feature=g-u-u

The end of the beginning - The final conclusion

Weight: 121 lbs
BMI: I want to dieeee :D

A few days before the meeting, the nurse had 'coincidentally' arranged to have our annual class weigh-in then. This is when they check your height and your weight to find your BMI. They're not supposed to force it on you but hey, guess my school doesn't operate by those things they call human rights now. I was banking on being able to skip it because of this so I freely drank a bottle of water and chilled out whilst my friends were stressing and chattering nervously. You must remember, that before this, although my eating wasn't brilliant, I had not weighed myself in weeks. I had dabbled in recovery but this proved too hard too many times at first. But when my name was finally called, the nurse once again made it clear that I would  not leave until I was weighed and told me there was another class that was waiting behind. So I got weighed, saw the number and kinda felt a little sick rise up in my throat. Fun.

*Two days later*

I was so nervous on the day of the meeting. I couldn't concentrate and I was just filled with dread for the whole day. I made sure to add money to my card this whole week so I was eating a 'normal' lunch almost everyday. I told my friends I was going to the toilet so I would be late for tag rugby. The meeting went better than expected, but they had already been talking to my dad for a while before I got there, I guess they wanted to lull me into a false sense of security in the meeting. The meeting consisted of the nurse, our head of year, my dad and myself and it was brought to a close when it was decided I would be bringing pack lunch everyday and that other teachers would be monitoring me. SO MUCH FOR CONFIDENTIALITY.

After tag rugby club, I told my parents that I brought food from outside (there's a lot of Pret a Manger's, Costa's and Boots' outside my school) which was why I didn't buy much from the school. They knew I hated school food so this excuse slid in well. But the meeting did cause them to be angsty for weeks on end. This just stressed me out even more, especially as exams grew closer.

During exam week, I knew I needed more food to be able to function properly, it really wouldn't do me very well if I fainted mid-exam now would it? I probably value grades the same amount I used to value thin at my peak so I began eating more during dinner and breakfast. Lunch stayed more or less the same but it was already making a massive difference. Eventually, the week before exam week I had managed to consume half a sandwich in my lunches. Exams leave me incredibly drained. My heart races for pressure and I sweat like I've just done a workout, with three exams a day, I literally fell asleep as soon as I got home. Wake up at around 9 to eat and then go back to sleep. Then I'd wake up at about 3am, unable to fall asleep again so I'd get up and start revising until school started and then repeat.

And eventually, I grew to love myself. It wasn't easy, and when my concave stomach disappeared, part of me so desperately wanted to go back to the way it was. But the thing is, the rational part of me didn't. The rational part knew that I was sick of feeling horrible about myself, sick of counting, hiding, losing friends. I was sick of being sick.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but it rising every time we fall'' -Confucius 

So don't ever give up. There will be days where you want to give up and slip back, hell even weeks and months. But that's so much better then maybe never being able to ever have lived those days just because of it. I still find it hard to say the word anorexic out loud, and I'm far from going out and proclaiming I'm a recovering anorexic. But maybe that's okay, to just move on and keep it under wraps. It will never leave me, it'll probably haunt for ever. But I'm sure as hell not letting it define me.

 

Song of the day:

Love the Way You Lie- Cover by Ariana Grande

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SawLM-aCgdY&feature=related

I only really like the bit before the chorus, it makes the song seem so much more ethereal as you realise what the lyrics actually are!