Apprehension

Deep breath. Deeps breaths. Or so I keep telling myself to do. I'm very much nervous for the Easter holidays. Because after Easter, begins the intense, utterly suffocating revising. Every teacher is talking about exams until they become your constant and only  thought :// It's a claustrophobic time, and with the ever-growing pressure of this necessity to succeed; it seems that it can only get worse. Girls have a tendency to think ahead more than boys. And so right now I'm thinking  that if I don't pass my end of year exams I will not only disapooint my parents, but my teachers as well. And this will be a reflection of my GCSE results. If I fail those I won't get into a good university, I won't have a good job, I won't have any money, no one will love me because I'm such a failure and I won't find happiness in life- because of these exams. Even I can see, that this is a bit of an over-reaction, but this is the poison that fuels my anxiety.

And exams week should be known as Doomsweek in my opinion. This may seem overly dramatic, especially those who are lucky enough not to have this crippling fear. But I'm really. Really. Really. Bad with exams. I fainted during one of my SATs :') I shake and tremble going to the exam room. I can barely speak because my throat is choked up with fear. It's awful.

What was originally a Christian celebration of the resurrection of Christ, has now
turned into a stretched session of stuffing one's face with chocolate eggs.

And the worst is when I think I do well, but I don't get bountiful grades. To me, a 'B' is awful. When other people get one, I'm fine with it, and if it's the best grade that they achieve in the subject, well good on them for reaching it. But when I think of myself getting a B, the whole ground seems to just swallow me up ._. I think how could I be so stupid? Such a failure? Thankfully I only had one last year, but still :( Having only one kinda makes it even worse in a way though, if you get what I mean?

I'm hoping this year I can manage to stay a little more level-headed, but I'm getting a little jittery already; I cna't really imagine the state of me three months from now.

Song of the Day
Sanssouci by Rufus Wainwright
My sister showed me this song when we went to Berlin to see Sanssouci. Which means without a worry in French. Which is exactly what my sister looked like when she was listening to the song. It was a dream really; we were walking in the Autumn with the golden leaves falling around us on our way there and our parents close behind us. It was quiet, and my sister just looked so relaxed, high eyes closed; relishing the chorus of the song. I wish I could play the day again like I do with this song, just to wipe all the pain from her face nowadays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfXGxyuSJpM

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