Granada!

Outside our Spanish school :) Which painfully, decided to situate itself right on top of a hill which we had to hike up every morning :<

Wikipedia photo cred*

Granada was amazing! I was there for 5 days from October 10th til the 15th. It was a little tough, we had about 3 hours of lessons a day (not quite the holiday we were expecting as you can see;) ) It was a total of 15 hours of lessons but it was all really enjoyable. They all really fun and helped us a lot. Plus I learned to roll my r's! :D For the first 14 years of life I could not roll a single r to save my life but now I occasionally can :D My mum does it really really well *-* I'm so jealous! If only it was hereditary!

We went to visit Alhambra, the jewel of Granada, and some say of the whole of Spain. It is an Islamic  palace complex built in the Nasrid dynasty (:o I said that before checking on wikipedia! xD Sorry random~). It was constructed during the mid 10th century in Andalus. It's really beautifully crafted, and it makes me think of the lengths people will go for their faith :3 It reminded me a bit of Istanbul really. I wore gold-tinted sunglasses and so it felt as if I was in Indiana Jones or something exploring the left ruins of a temple xD The name 'Alhambra' means 'La roja' in Spanish or the red castle in English :) The picture on the above right shows the Court of the Lions and the photo on the above left is one detail of the arabesques (both photo creds go to Wikipedia, no copyright infringement intended).

The sky in Granada is really beautiful!

I feel that if I try to describe the whole trip it'll never end xD It was a wonderful trip and now we're all planning gifts to give to the Spanish teachers who came, took us and organised this whole amazing trip :) We also visited Córdoba a small town near Granada in Southern Spain. The city is influenced by 3 main cultures, the Romans, the Muslims and the Jewish. I'll post the things which we bought during our shopping time on my next blog post :) Oh and did you know that pomegranates are from Granada? The town was actually named after the fruit! So if you translate Granada directly, it just means pomegranates! I've gotten into the habit of calling them in pomegranadas in England now... But it's like instead of Birmingham and Manchester, we'd have Scones and Earl Grey Tea as cities! Pienso que, mi español ha mejorado! Hasta la vista chicos!

Song of the day:
Skyfall by Adele
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HKoqNJtMTQ
At first when I heard this I was like 'whaaa?' but it's one of those songs which you love the more you play it :D

Back!

x.x I've literally only just come back from Granada a couple of days ago, and with catching up on all schoolwork and unpacking it's been a nightmare! But I made a promise to post today, and I always do my best to keep them. Granada was brilliant, I'll hopefully be able to do a whole synopsis of it later in the week. It was a great trip, but there were definitely some problems which I will mention later on in my next post. But I just say this video, about a girl who was telling her 'If you really knew me story.' And I really felt for her :( it was so moving especially when she was re-read the taunts. You have to and see it, my heart goes out to this girl <3 She's so brave to make this video and so are all the other hundreds of girls who have done the same (link below).

It really makes my problems seem positively miniscule, melodramatic and pointless in comparison.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLolyWnST3w&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Oh and someone lovingly posted 'Are you just posting this to get views? Anas are freaks' Unfortunately these comments cannot help but in response, no I am not posting any of these to get views. I was posting when I had zero views and I'm still posting no matter how many I get. Sure it's nice to see that some people actually might read or listen to what I have to say. I must admit, I get excited when I see weekly regular hits from Germany, America, Russia, China and all over the world. But even if I didn't, I'd still be posting. My regular posts on Saturday help create a routine for me where there sometimes isn't one, and maybe one or two people out there find a regular timetable helpful instead of my previously erratic one where I'd do 3 in a row and then leave a year in between. Blogging's a nice way to vent, everyone does it for different reasons, but mine aren't to get more views.

Song of the day:
Comptine d'un autre été: l'après midi- Yann Tiersen (again I know, sorry!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZJDNSp1QJA
So amazing! I love this song and I can't wait to learn to play it <3 The animation is really sweet as well.

Promise a better post in the next few days! <3

A little help in your recovery

This may perhaps be the last post I do on my recovery; so that maybe perhaps, it can be put behind :) I do not mind talking about it again in the future (this will most likely include any relapses I experience), but are there any other topics anyone would like me to discuss? It can be anything..from reviews to just general journal entries, DIY to drawings; feel free to leave a comment in the down below! I have a youtube channel as well: http://www.youtube.com/user/ThisPiggyHasWings

But moving on, here is a speech that I recently found. It was by the LIMU founder and CEO. (Here's an interesting fact: Limu is the Hawaiian word for algae! ;)) But I felt the need to share this with you all, no matter what situation you might be in, or if just need a little pick-me-up towards the end of your day:

Life is tough, that's a given.

When you stand up, you're gonna be shoved back down.

When you're down, you're gonna be stepped on.

My advice to you doesn't come with a lot of bells and whistles. It's no secret, you'll fall down, you stumble, you get pushed, you land square on your face. And every time that happens, you get back on your feet. 

You get up just as fast as you can, no matter how many times you need to do it.

Remember this, success has been and continues to be defined as getting up one more time than you've been knocked down.

If experience has taught me anything, it's that nothing is free and living ain't easy. 

Life is hard, real hard, incredibly hard. You fail more often than you win, nobody is handing you anything.

It's up to you to puff up your chest, stretch your neck and overcome all that is difficult, the nasty, the mean, the unfair.

You want more than what you've now, PROVE IT!

You want beat the very best out there that is, prove it.

Get out there and earn it.

-Gary Raser


I absolutely love this speech! I've changed it a little to suit these circumstances but this is still incredibly inspiring and motivational, I try and remember this speech during gymnastics but it can be used in all sorts of situations.

I hate seeing anyone going through this, but I know there's hundreds of thousands of people going through this right now. Some may be on the edge of becoming what I was, some already well in the clasp of anorexia, and to be honest, this sounds corny but it's really true; if I could stop one person from becoming this or make a current anorexic at least rethink what they're doing, then I'll feel like I've achieved a massive goal. But really, the harsh truth is, no one who has seriously experienced anorexia says starving is good/beneficial. If you do want to find someone who does, I'm afraid the only place you'll  find them is at their graves.

Song of the day:

One more by Superchick
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBqYvPZWHAs

To tie in with the theme of the speech :) This is one probably the best songs to workout to in my opinion! You. Can. Do. It.

P.S. I won't be able to do a blog post next week, I'll be in Granada on a Spanish school trip! See you again on 20/10/12

Anorexia is fake

Please watch this video, it hurts because it's so true but you must watch it! I have never seen more truth and honesty in a video than this one. What I really just wanted to do is sum up that video, but with my own story and words.

I have been wanting to be skinny and dieting for as long as I can remember. I can vividly remember when I was in primary school, spending the whole of lunch twirling a hula-hoop because I hoped it would make my waist smaller and I did this for hours on end with no break. I used to sometime skip lunch in Year 5 (10 years old) as well, but then I didn't know what anorexia nervosa or bulimia was. Much later on (around when I was 11), my mum would often make comments saying I was obese, a pig, ate too much and much more. She said I was fat. And I believed her.

I wouldn't say my mother was the sole reason I turned to starving myself. It very rarely is just one singe turning point, but it did contribute. I also had this dream of becoming a model (one which I unfortunately still haven't given up!), I have this pressing need to be seen as perfect. My grades were brilliant, I was popular...now I just needed to have the body and it was all good. I thought size zero was reasonable; and that anyone who couldn't achieve it was just lazy.

I wanted confidence. But all I got was a crippled self-esteem. I wanted popularity. But I just received a permanent scar to my friendships. I wanted to be happy. But I didn't wake up a single day feeling valued or happy. I wanted to starve my emotional pain away. But I just got trapped in a vicious cycle of purging and binging, increasing my sense of worthlessness and pain.And most of all I wanted beauty. That thing people always love, adore but hide these urges inside. That thing which can cause judgement at first glance. At first I did get that. And I'm not gonna lie, but it felt fucking brilliant. But soon after I just got weak, I was unable to do the sports I loved and enjoyed. Ever tried doing gymnastics and doing cartwheels when you haven't eaten for a few days? Not fun. Or running a mini-marathon when the only thing you want to do, is stop the trembling of your muscles? I got constipation, and my hair fell out in massive clumps, one of the few things which I had prided myself with before.

But you just need to remember that;

"You are worth so much more."

So much more. No matter what anyone says, or does or hints. So, just stand up straight, hold your head high, and go about your life like there's a crown on your head; cause you may as well be that princess/prince you dreamed of once upon a time :)

Song of the Day:
Comptine d'Un Autre Été by Yann Tiersen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-1u8xvk54&feature=related
Not technically a song, but it's so beautiful! Dreaming of being able to play this! It's French name translates as 'The Rhyme of Another Summer'

P.S. If you didn't get this, I am not saying anorexia is not a disease at all. It is such a serious illness and I am just showing the difference between what one who suffers from it may expect, and what they truly get in return.

Pro-ana sites

When I was in the deeper throes of my anorexia (is it weird that I shiver a bit inside every time I say that?), I would spend hours a day browsing pro-ana sites. Not necessarily everday, but the story is, I spent a significant amount of time on those sites. Diet sites. Weight-loss sites. Starvation sites. I bookmarked each one. I made friends on pro-ana sites, and we were determined to help each other become thin.

These friends felt like my saviours. They understood me in and out. We might be in different situations; one girl was even serious enough to have been an in-patient for a number of weeks, but we understood each other. No one can really understand until they experience what it is like, to have someone understand you inside and out. To understand your main hopes and fears so clearly, because they were experiencing the same (with no better word to put it) disease. This bond was deeper than having a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Anonymity allowed me to open up to them a lot more than my actual friends. I have actually aclways been afraid of opening up to my friends for fear of appearing weak. I was often the strong, solid rock which my friends relied on or received support. To them I was strong, both physically and emotionally so I could not be weak in any way. No drama would be caused if I told them about the food I ate. No panic attack from my parents. Plus there was also the benefit of having an outsider giving you advice about some problems you may have at work, home or school.

Trust me, you are :)

But do not get a pro-ana friend. It was only until I could let go of them all (even the ones that had helped me recover), that I myself, would recover. I felt like I had a duty towards them, I would continue my pursuit to a sick 'perfection' even if they were recovering. So eventually I let go of them. It saved me from the shame I would experience of telling them that I had recovered as well (but I know that they too would be pleased. They too wanted to recover so much, but for a while like me, they just couldn't). Delete those sites. Delete the texts. You don't have to delete the numbers but you have to let go of them.

Song of the day:
One More Night - Cover by The Fergies
LOVE the beginning! Definitely a band to watch out for :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c1_yANkGSQ&feature=g-u-u

The end of the beginning - The final conclusion

Weight: 121 lbs
BMI: I want to dieeee :D

A few days before the meeting, the nurse had 'coincidentally' arranged to have our annual class weigh-in then. This is when they check your height and your weight to find your BMI. They're not supposed to force it on you but hey, guess my school doesn't operate by those things they call human rights now. I was banking on being able to skip it because of this so I freely drank a bottle of water and chilled out whilst my friends were stressing and chattering nervously. You must remember, that before this, although my eating wasn't brilliant, I had not weighed myself in weeks. I had dabbled in recovery but this proved too hard too many times at first. But when my name was finally called, the nurse once again made it clear that I would  not leave until I was weighed and told me there was another class that was waiting behind. So I got weighed, saw the number and kinda felt a little sick rise up in my throat. Fun.

*Two days later*

I was so nervous on the day of the meeting. I couldn't concentrate and I was just filled with dread for the whole day. I made sure to add money to my card this whole week so I was eating a 'normal' lunch almost everyday. I told my friends I was going to the toilet so I would be late for tag rugby. The meeting went better than expected, but they had already been talking to my dad for a while before I got there, I guess they wanted to lull me into a false sense of security in the meeting. The meeting consisted of the nurse, our head of year, my dad and myself and it was brought to a close when it was decided I would be bringing pack lunch everyday and that other teachers would be monitoring me. SO MUCH FOR CONFIDENTIALITY.

After tag rugby club, I told my parents that I brought food from outside (there's a lot of Pret a Manger's, Costa's and Boots' outside my school) which was why I didn't buy much from the school. They knew I hated school food so this excuse slid in well. But the meeting did cause them to be angsty for weeks on end. This just stressed me out even more, especially as exams grew closer.

During exam week, I knew I needed more food to be able to function properly, it really wouldn't do me very well if I fainted mid-exam now would it? I probably value grades the same amount I used to value thin at my peak so I began eating more during dinner and breakfast. Lunch stayed more or less the same but it was already making a massive difference. Eventually, the week before exam week I had managed to consume half a sandwich in my lunches. Exams leave me incredibly drained. My heart races for pressure and I sweat like I've just done a workout, with three exams a day, I literally fell asleep as soon as I got home. Wake up at around 9 to eat and then go back to sleep. Then I'd wake up at about 3am, unable to fall asleep again so I'd get up and start revising until school started and then repeat.

And eventually, I grew to love myself. It wasn't easy, and when my concave stomach disappeared, part of me so desperately wanted to go back to the way it was. But the thing is, the rational part of me didn't. The rational part knew that I was sick of feeling horrible about myself, sick of counting, hiding, losing friends. I was sick of being sick.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but it rising every time we fall'' -Confucius 

So don't ever give up. There will be days where you want to give up and slip back, hell even weeks and months. But that's so much better then maybe never being able to ever have lived those days just because of it. I still find it hard to say the word anorexic out loud, and I'm far from going out and proclaiming I'm a recovering anorexic. But maybe that's okay, to just move on and keep it under wraps. It will never leave me, it'll probably haunt for ever. But I'm sure as hell not letting it define me.

 

Song of the day:

Love the Way You Lie- Cover by Ariana Grande

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SawLM-aCgdY&feature=related

I only really like the bit before the chorus, it makes the song seem so much more ethereal as you realise what the lyrics actually are!

The end of the beginning - Part 3

Weight: 120lbs

BMI: 20.0

My mum forced me to weigh myself :'( When I told her I wasn't weighing myself regularly, she freaked out! She said you need to weigh yourself everyday so you can know if you need to eat less one day or more, detect any dramatic weight changes (huh, you'd think one would notice if day gained'dropped 5 kilos in a day?). She said she wouldn't cook me any dinner if I didn't weigh myself. How ironic life can be?

A few months ago it was my birthday (ok I lie...it was in March :') just shows how well I've kept to regular blogging...). I was having a joint birthday party with a friend and it was mainly a massive sleepover and since people were getting hungry, we added dinner at Cafe Rouge to the mix as well. Nearly everyone ordered the large chicken baguette but when I ordered a salad and small baguettes, people freaked out. The girl who I was actually having the joint part with said "You're not gonna ruin today with your eating now are you?" I thought it was enough, I had chomped my way through a couple of rollos and the small baguettes were pretty big. But eventually I complied with adding a small cup of chips. When some people tried to take some chips (as in the friendly everyone shares food way), two friends kept shouting at them saying "Don't take Jenni's chips! It's all she has to eat!" Quite awkward...

Now getting towards the end of the year in about mid-May, I wanted to bunk off a particular lesson because I didn't like it and hadn't done the homework. After wondering the school from browsing library books and loitering in the loos, I decided to go to the nurse. She knew I was having eating problems and most of the time I could just bring up an old problem for her to 'counsel' me about, a brilliant way at killing time. But when I entered her office and she said "Hello! I was actually about to call for you." I knew something was wrong. She continued by saying "How's you're eating?" When I replied more or less the same but getting better I guess that was my mistake. I should have said I was eating bucketfuls by the day, how I embraced food (loljk) and liked trying out new exotic delicacies.

"Well, I can see that you've had this problem for a long time, really before I was a nurse at this school. The headmistress has called for the nurse to call parents of students, who's lunch balances are either significantly higher or lower than average. Your's is significantly lower, with week long gaps before you eat anything at school. We'll have to make an appointment with your parents to discuss this. When are they most likely free?"

Honest to hell I cried a little. Mainly from shock and how I had no say whatsoever in this. I felt like I had stabbed in the back. I had confided in her, and now she was gonna tell my parents, who would make it a much bigger deal than it was. As I've said to before, the more people realised what I was, the more I felt like I had to live up high 'anorexic standards' thus pushing me even further. Last time I ever went to her for help. She even had me take part in the call. The meeting was scheduled for next week Wednesday straight after school, and I could feel my life coming to a close.

Song of the day:

Starships by Nicki Minaj

I loved this song the first time I heard it! It's addictive in a weird way?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=Nwz3z8CmIbI