Pro-ana sites

When I was in the deeper throes of my anorexia (is it weird that I shiver a bit inside every time I say that?), I would spend hours a day browsing pro-ana sites. Not necessarily everday, but the story is, I spent a significant amount of time on those sites. Diet sites. Weight-loss sites. Starvation sites. I bookmarked each one. I made friends on pro-ana sites, and we were determined to help each other become thin.

These friends felt like my saviours. They understood me in and out. We might be in different situations; one girl was even serious enough to have been an in-patient for a number of weeks, but we understood each other. No one can really understand until they experience what it is like, to have someone understand you inside and out. To understand your main hopes and fears so clearly, because they were experiencing the same (with no better word to put it) disease. This bond was deeper than having a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Anonymity allowed me to open up to them a lot more than my actual friends. I have actually aclways been afraid of opening up to my friends for fear of appearing weak. I was often the strong, solid rock which my friends relied on or received support. To them I was strong, both physically and emotionally so I could not be weak in any way. No drama would be caused if I told them about the food I ate. No panic attack from my parents. Plus there was also the benefit of having an outsider giving you advice about some problems you may have at work, home or school.

Trust me, you are :)

But do not get a pro-ana friend. It was only until I could let go of them all (even the ones that had helped me recover), that I myself, would recover. I felt like I had a duty towards them, I would continue my pursuit to a sick 'perfection' even if they were recovering. So eventually I let go of them. It saved me from the shame I would experience of telling them that I had recovered as well (but I know that they too would be pleased. They too wanted to recover so much, but for a while like me, they just couldn't). Delete those sites. Delete the texts. You don't have to delete the numbers but you have to let go of them.

Song of the day:
One More Night - Cover by The Fergies
LOVE the beginning! Definitely a band to watch out for :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c1_yANkGSQ&feature=g-u-u

The end of the beginning - The final conclusion

Weight: 121 lbs
BMI: I want to dieeee :D

A few days before the meeting, the nurse had 'coincidentally' arranged to have our annual class weigh-in then. This is when they check your height and your weight to find your BMI. They're not supposed to force it on you but hey, guess my school doesn't operate by those things they call human rights now. I was banking on being able to skip it because of this so I freely drank a bottle of water and chilled out whilst my friends were stressing and chattering nervously. You must remember, that before this, although my eating wasn't brilliant, I had not weighed myself in weeks. I had dabbled in recovery but this proved too hard too many times at first. But when my name was finally called, the nurse once again made it clear that I would  not leave until I was weighed and told me there was another class that was waiting behind. So I got weighed, saw the number and kinda felt a little sick rise up in my throat. Fun.

*Two days later*

I was so nervous on the day of the meeting. I couldn't concentrate and I was just filled with dread for the whole day. I made sure to add money to my card this whole week so I was eating a 'normal' lunch almost everyday. I told my friends I was going to the toilet so I would be late for tag rugby. The meeting went better than expected, but they had already been talking to my dad for a while before I got there, I guess they wanted to lull me into a false sense of security in the meeting. The meeting consisted of the nurse, our head of year, my dad and myself and it was brought to a close when it was decided I would be bringing pack lunch everyday and that other teachers would be monitoring me. SO MUCH FOR CONFIDENTIALITY.

After tag rugby club, I told my parents that I brought food from outside (there's a lot of Pret a Manger's, Costa's and Boots' outside my school) which was why I didn't buy much from the school. They knew I hated school food so this excuse slid in well. But the meeting did cause them to be angsty for weeks on end. This just stressed me out even more, especially as exams grew closer.

During exam week, I knew I needed more food to be able to function properly, it really wouldn't do me very well if I fainted mid-exam now would it? I probably value grades the same amount I used to value thin at my peak so I began eating more during dinner and breakfast. Lunch stayed more or less the same but it was already making a massive difference. Eventually, the week before exam week I had managed to consume half a sandwich in my lunches. Exams leave me incredibly drained. My heart races for pressure and I sweat like I've just done a workout, with three exams a day, I literally fell asleep as soon as I got home. Wake up at around 9 to eat and then go back to sleep. Then I'd wake up at about 3am, unable to fall asleep again so I'd get up and start revising until school started and then repeat.

And eventually, I grew to love myself. It wasn't easy, and when my concave stomach disappeared, part of me so desperately wanted to go back to the way it was. But the thing is, the rational part of me didn't. The rational part knew that I was sick of feeling horrible about myself, sick of counting, hiding, losing friends. I was sick of being sick.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but it rising every time we fall'' -Confucius 

So don't ever give up. There will be days where you want to give up and slip back, hell even weeks and months. But that's so much better then maybe never being able to ever have lived those days just because of it. I still find it hard to say the word anorexic out loud, and I'm far from going out and proclaiming I'm a recovering anorexic. But maybe that's okay, to just move on and keep it under wraps. It will never leave me, it'll probably haunt for ever. But I'm sure as hell not letting it define me.

 

Song of the day:

Love the Way You Lie- Cover by Ariana Grande

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SawLM-aCgdY&feature=related

I only really like the bit before the chorus, it makes the song seem so much more ethereal as you realise what the lyrics actually are!

The end of the beginning - Part 3

Weight: 120lbs

BMI: 20.0

My mum forced me to weigh myself :'( When I told her I wasn't weighing myself regularly, she freaked out! She said you need to weigh yourself everyday so you can know if you need to eat less one day or more, detect any dramatic weight changes (huh, you'd think one would notice if day gained'dropped 5 kilos in a day?). She said she wouldn't cook me any dinner if I didn't weigh myself. How ironic life can be?

A few months ago it was my birthday (ok I lie...it was in March :') just shows how well I've kept to regular blogging...). I was having a joint birthday party with a friend and it was mainly a massive sleepover and since people were getting hungry, we added dinner at Cafe Rouge to the mix as well. Nearly everyone ordered the large chicken baguette but when I ordered a salad and small baguettes, people freaked out. The girl who I was actually having the joint part with said "You're not gonna ruin today with your eating now are you?" I thought it was enough, I had chomped my way through a couple of rollos and the small baguettes were pretty big. But eventually I complied with adding a small cup of chips. When some people tried to take some chips (as in the friendly everyone shares food way), two friends kept shouting at them saying "Don't take Jenni's chips! It's all she has to eat!" Quite awkward...

Now getting towards the end of the year in about mid-May, I wanted to bunk off a particular lesson because I didn't like it and hadn't done the homework. After wondering the school from browsing library books and loitering in the loos, I decided to go to the nurse. She knew I was having eating problems and most of the time I could just bring up an old problem for her to 'counsel' me about, a brilliant way at killing time. But when I entered her office and she said "Hello! I was actually about to call for you." I knew something was wrong. She continued by saying "How's you're eating?" When I replied more or less the same but getting better I guess that was my mistake. I should have said I was eating bucketfuls by the day, how I embraced food (loljk) and liked trying out new exotic delicacies.

"Well, I can see that you've had this problem for a long time, really before I was a nurse at this school. The headmistress has called for the nurse to call parents of students, who's lunch balances are either significantly higher or lower than average. Your's is significantly lower, with week long gaps before you eat anything at school. We'll have to make an appointment with your parents to discuss this. When are they most likely free?"

Honest to hell I cried a little. Mainly from shock and how I had no say whatsoever in this. I felt like I had stabbed in the back. I had confided in her, and now she was gonna tell my parents, who would make it a much bigger deal than it was. As I've said to before, the more people realised what I was, the more I felt like I had to live up high 'anorexic standards' thus pushing me even further. Last time I ever went to her for help. She even had me take part in the call. The meeting was scheduled for next week Wednesday straight after school, and I could feel my life coming to a close.

Song of the day:

Starships by Nicki Minaj

I loved this song the first time I heard it! It's addictive in a weird way?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=Nwz3z8CmIbI

The end of the beginning - Part 2

Weight: Sworn off weighing myself...it's unhealthy.

BMI: </3

After the first few days, things started to spiral downwards. I could feel friends whispering. One day, I made the mistake of going to the cafeteria with friends to pick up my daily apple and orange juice, but my two friends stopped me and dragged me to buy a potatojacket (no cheese). I was a little hesitant, and this gave them the opportunity to berate me. A long time ago, I had given up eating bagels mainly of the calories, but soon enough, because I had been eating so little of processed carbohydrates, I would actually feel physically sick eating them. A small nausea builds up and I almost instantly want to spit it out and this isn't an exaggeration. My friend then offered me a portion of her cream cheese bagel and when I politely declined, she grew angry saying 'But you always loved bagels before! Then you just stopped eating them and then eating them in general!' I had hoped to wait them out because we had football but they were determined, when I went to throw away my barely eaten potato one friend shouted at me in the middle of the cafeteria and grabbed me to stop me, but I was quicker and managed to tip the plate into the bin.

Never forget this...it took me too long to realise

This caused a lot more whispers, and I don't why, but the first thing I thought of was that the boys school wouldn't find out. Was I that insecure that I cared about what a group of guys that didn't know thought about  me? Why yes. Yes I was. The friend who had pretended to be anorexic was seen as attention-seeking and a liar by them to put it bluntly, so I stopped going to lunch with friends and my social life took a small plummet.

I reached size zero during Lent, and it made me so happy! A perfect 24 inch waist, concave stomach and a thigh gap! This just spurred on my determination. But when I had hit that milestone, I began to doubt myself. The next step was size 00. That seemed a little far for me, but I just said to myself to continue the way I was and all would be fine. I would probably hit a weight plateau soon enough and then I could just continue like this after Lent. It would be fine. Of course it would.

Song of the day:

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane (cover by Max Schneider and Elizabeth Gillies)

The more times I listen to this, I slowly like it more and more. It's  little different from what I usually listen to but it's good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3trFAwjgEM&feature=relmfu

Just a head's up - The end of the beginning Part 1

So much has happened since my last blog post, and I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply. But hopefully with this post, I'll begin to close this chapter of my life.

I went much deeper into starving myself. The opportunity of Lent was almost too good to miss and so I did it by swearing off all junk food and mass sugar (because it's impossible to completely cut out sugar, it's in EVERYTHING. Fruit, bread etc), and I could tell my friends because they thought it was normal. It's Lent, so people are allowed to take on these 'diets' and this type of starving is considered the norm for 40 days of the year. My day consisted of the following food:

Breakfast:
A slice of toast (couldn't escape that, my dad has breakfast with me)
Lunch:
Orange juice and an apple
or
200g of vegetables
Dinner:
Varied, but usually a small bowl of soup and a little fish.

+ >two hours of physical activity a day.

The turning point was when I was in a ballet lesson. Friday evening and I was in the middle of a 90 minute ballet lesson concentrating on travelling turns, pirouettes and jumps. Mid-pirouette I felt the breath leave me and my mind blank from the exhaustion of concentrating. For a second I was completely disorientated and felt all the strength in me was gone, then I dropped to the floor. I had almost fainted, but I managed to feign to my ballet teacher that I had just lost my balance. I mentioned this to a friend, but she had told another who began to worry about me, I just said it was because I wasn't having enough sugar, but she loudly said 'No, it's because you're not eating enough.' after having me declare a fuller version everything I ate in a day. People began getting on my back, but only cause they cared for me, this I know. But it grew ugly. One girl in my class had faked an eating disorder last year and was incredibly lowly thought of then, it made me so scared of being called a fake, and so I starved my self even more. I didn't feel like someone who was sick, someone who could live up to the self-set high standards I had of anorexics. I kept pushing myself and every binge made me feel like a failure, I felt as if the whole world was expecting me to live up to this stereo-typical image of anorexics (the 'classic' infamous Isabelle Caro body), not realising it was all conjured up in my mind.

Song of the day:
So sick by Neyo (cover by Sam Tsui and Max Schneider)
I've fallen in love with this cover <3 I've never heard the original and I don't think I want to hear it now!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Gm1Re3FgM&feature=g-u-u

65/35

Today I went back to those forbidden sites. Today I went back to the beautiful girls and buddies I'd previously. Today i don't know whether I'm feeling trapped or alive. Today I'll go back on the scales, the ones I've feared so much. It's been months since I last weighed my self... Let's see what they say.

Weight: 120 lbs
BMI: 20.0

I'm absolutely disgusted. And sick. I actually shook as I came down from the scales. 120lbs?! That's more than when I started and it was a place I swore I'd never go to again. Not too long ago I was 9lbs heavier. Almost 5 kilos heavier. I want to cry. I want to scream. I'm so confused...I've been exercising A lot more than I did before but somehow I've become a horribly obese thing. And it needs to change now.

Song of the day: 
Hey Soul Sister by Train An old classic song that I used to love singing all the time

60/40

Weight: So scared
BMI: </3


There are kind of two voices in my head. But they're like parts of me. And I'm constantly listening to 'them/me' whenever I have the choice of buying food, or do anything food related like go into the school canteen. One is Rationality. The other is Ana. Rationality has thousands upon thousands of reasons. 'You'll have really bad metabolism, your gorgeous hair'll fall out, you'll never me that athletically strong person you want to be, etc' and Ana only has a few 'You might not ever be able to please your mother but you can keep on trying, your ex's current girlfriend's legs, the previously gorgeous concave stomach you had before, skinny, skinny, skinny.' But for some reason Ana is stronger. Despite all the arguments Rationality throws at her/me, her voice stronger, almost more seductive, full of dangerously beautiful promises.

12th February 2012
60/40 to Ana


I can feel her getting stronger, no matter how much the voice inside me is screaming to not follow her. It's screaming and shouting but I feel like I've already dived without a bungee rope.


Song of the Day: Secrets by Tiffany Alvord and ThePianoGuys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxRMFwPpkBE&feature=g-u-u&context=G21f56edFUAAAAAAAaAA



I was originally subscribed to ThePianoGuys but they linked the vocal version of this piece and her voice is absolutely stunning! Such a beautiful song <3