Apprehension

Deep breath. Deeps breaths. Or so I keep telling myself to do. I'm very much nervous for the Easter holidays. Because after Easter, begins the intense, utterly suffocating revising. Every teacher is talking about exams until they become your constant and only  thought :// It's a claustrophobic time, and with the ever-growing pressure of this necessity to succeed; it seems that it can only get worse. Girls have a tendency to think ahead more than boys. And so right now I'm thinking  that if I don't pass my end of year exams I will not only disapooint my parents, but my teachers as well. And this will be a reflection of my GCSE results. If I fail those I won't get into a good university, I won't have a good job, I won't have any money, no one will love me because I'm such a failure and I won't find happiness in life- because of these exams. Even I can see, that this is a bit of an over-reaction, but this is the poison that fuels my anxiety.

And exams week should be known as Doomsweek in my opinion. This may seem overly dramatic, especially those who are lucky enough not to have this crippling fear. But I'm really. Really. Really. Bad with exams. I fainted during one of my SATs :') I shake and tremble going to the exam room. I can barely speak because my throat is choked up with fear. It's awful.

What was originally a Christian celebration of the resurrection of Christ, has now
turned into a stretched session of stuffing one's face with chocolate eggs.

And the worst is when I think I do well, but I don't get bountiful grades. To me, a 'B' is awful. When other people get one, I'm fine with it, and if it's the best grade that they achieve in the subject, well good on them for reaching it. But when I think of myself getting a B, the whole ground seems to just swallow me up ._. I think how could I be so stupid? Such a failure? Thankfully I only had one last year, but still :( Having only one kinda makes it even worse in a way though, if you get what I mean?

I'm hoping this year I can manage to stay a little more level-headed, but I'm getting a little jittery already; I cna't really imagine the state of me three months from now.

Song of the Day
Sanssouci by Rufus Wainwright
My sister showed me this song when we went to Berlin to see Sanssouci. Which means without a worry in French. Which is exactly what my sister looked like when she was listening to the song. It was a dream really; we were walking in the Autumn with the golden leaves falling around us on our way there and our parents close behind us. It was quiet, and my sister just looked so relaxed, high eyes closed; relishing the chorus of the song. I wish I could play the day again like I do with this song, just to wipe all the pain from her face nowadays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfXGxyuSJpM

Tweet of the Day

London make-up teens, take heed - beauty?

On a slightly/very different note from my last few posts, what do you think of this image?:

I personally quite like it. I'm a sucker for bright, primary colours. And for some reason, the first word I thought of when I saw this, was 'peacock', even though the national bird of India is main composed of brilliant teal and green colours instead of this fuschia and red. But I just really like the way it looks! Obviously it wouldn't be a look I'd wear casually or in my day-to-day, but it really stops you in your tracks when you see it, doesn't it? I actually found this image whilst I was Googling 'Beauty', and I'm quite glad that most images were either the above or the below left instead of those of the below right kind.

Why am I glad? Because some girls need a bit of a slap with a tampon (sorry for any males reading this) and just look at what YOU ARE PUTTING ON YOUR FACE. I actually don't see very many orange-faced, scouse-browed teens or even adults around here in London. Just people who like to put extra clumpy mascara and very red, flushed cheeks. Oh and the foundation mask. The awful foundation mask. If you pick a foundation that's too pale, or too dark, at least have the decency to blend it out with the rest of your body! Even a few swishes along your neck would be fine!

And it doesn't help for you to keep piling on the concealer, when you are already breaking out because of it! Let your skin breathe girls. I get very confused about the thought of people who put on make up for school. If there's one place where you can let go cause you're with all your friends who won't judge you, it's school. Plus you'd be clogging up your face at least 5 days a week, and that can just wreck havoc on your face if you're not getting rid of it properly. Maybe it's just because I go to a girl's school, but I would have thought that looks would have mattered even more because if you can't be bitch about guys, there's always looks. Oh well.

The beautiful Rihanna on the other hand, at the 2013v Grammy's:

WOW <3

Obviously there are many, many things I could say about London teens, and I am thinking about doing a little series on here about them (and teens around the world in general), but I thought I'd start with the girls first and with my tendency to Google weird things. 

Favourite song of the Day:

Impossible cover by James Arthur

Got to admit, I didn't really like this song when I first heard it. I was too used to the original, but I love this twist on it as well!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhj15W23IjA

Favourite tweet of the Day

Orientation 2 - 4. The direction followed in the course of a trend, movement or development

I looked over my last post...and realised how very....bleghh I was XD I don't really have words to explain it, but I felt a little overbearing and cliché in it.... But I like to finish what I start, so this will just be a brief synopsis of what I was going to say. Comment below if you would like a bit more on any other topic though!

4. The direction followed in the course of a trend, movement or development

How well do you cope? Imagine something really awful happened to you. A death of someone close. A realisation that your dream will never come true. How would you handle it? People obviously do it in different ways. Some people prefer to channel it through anger. [bad] 

Some people channel it into extensive self-starvation and purging with sport (like I used to). [bad as well]

However, some others including myself, like to have a breakdown on the first day, or preferably first moment. [better than it sounds] 

Only then do you realise how you really feel about it. Cause sometimes the brain likes to change how you feel. Some people call it self-preservation, but I think it can sometimes be the opposite of that. Thinking that a situation isn't so bad, can lead you to convince and smother your turmoiling feelings. Feelings that need to go somewhere. And often it gets everything out in the open, and you feel a lot 'cleaner' the next day. Go on, try it some day. But just make sure that you don't just bottle everything within you. Now that's unhealthy. 

Maybe it could also be a popular trend or course in a river, I try desperately to plunge myself into it. This can be anything from a designer brand everyone in school loves, or that horrible stage in a teenage girl's life where it feels everyone in your year is dieting. I will force myself to follow this trend, paying no heed of my mental state. I'll just keep following it until the trend either dies out, or my mind collapses in on itself. You might see why I hope for the former. As you can see, this is a very unhealthy and bad way of coping with things. Do not do this. I've been getting a lot better recently, however I do have tendencies to go deep sea diving.

6. Sexual orientation

Now this is a topic for a whole series, no, season of blog posts. 

8. Pschology Awareness of the objective world in relation to one's self.

(See above)

I never really saw myself as being someone to give advice or motivation at all, but I guess that's what you get from me! :3

P.S. I didn't puposely choose to do just the evens. The particularly interesting topics happened to just be on those numbers. Bet the dictionary-person-writer did it on purpose.

Song of the Day:
Kiss You - cover by Tiffany Alvord
This is so cute! The stop download of this is hilarious! (If you want to know what I'm talking about, plan the video, right click, and press 'Stop download' and then you see the thumbnail for the video). Again another cover I heard before the original song, but I think I like this more!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnNyAZ57qLw

The below is my twitter account, but I couldn't find any other's at the moment. Hope you like it! And feel free to follow me @fackinghell if you do ;)


Favourite tweet of the day:

Orientation

I was searching high and low for a topic. I'd quite like to talk about lots of different subjects, and not just my eating disorder (despite how many times it may or may not flare up). But I really didn't know which topic to talk about, I mean, it's easy when something interesting happens in your life, or you're geared up for a rant like my last one but otherwise it's a toughie. And so I decided to resort to a Random Word Generator. I remember basing art on things, for example, I had to draw a picture that had something to do with 'petals' or even harder was something like 'conscience' or 'comb' without having to directly draw a petal, comb, etc. 

And so, the first good word I got, was 'orientation.' I say good, because the first word I actually got was 'Table' and I ain't got nothing on that.

Hopefully I won't get all deep and meaningful like many a countless blog post- you can see how well I plan my posts; but I'll have a crack at it. And since I just tried to find the definition of pharmacogoblivion, we'll see what the definition of orientation is according to Mr Online-Free-Dictionary. I'll talk about a few of the definitions, but not all, partially might be because we'd be here forever and you'd run screaming from such a long blog post, and partially because I may or may not understand some of the definitions themselves; evern though I am perfectly capable of using 'orientation; in a sentence. I think.

2. Location or position relative to the points of the compass

Let's imagine the points of the compass as your goals. Goals, because they're slightly less overdone than friends and family. North - Your ultimate goal. South- That **** that keeps pulling you back! This is something in a physical form, like a demeaning sister, a mean boss, just someone who seems to make a little more difficult and problematic. East and West- Your own personal demons. Can you see which of those have most power on making you stray from your course? Your own personal demons. 

For me, my East in the overachieving side that strives for all or nothing, pushes the limits and won't settle for even a millimeter less. My West in the self-punishing side. That when East fails, it hurtles me to the West. Going North is hard, colder climates and harsher living conditions, but once you get there, it's a brilliant view, and often, a once in a life time experience. I could continue with the geography analogies but I'm afraid of boring half my audience ;3 

The basics are, set your North properly. You don't want to decide halfway through your journey to the Arctic, that 'hey, why not go to Bangladesh instead?' With that, indecisiveness could be your East. STICK TO YOUR JOURNEY. Especially you're going to tell someone about it. There's nothing worse than hearing someone trying to lose weight one week, and completely giving up and saying weight loss is stupid and saying that girls are beautiful in all sizes. Girls are. But that is not for you to use an excuse cause you couldn't stick to something. Even if your journey to the North seems tough, stick to it. You haven't given something a real try unless you overcome some hurdles with it. Because until you do, only then can you make judgement and declare whether it's worthwhile or not. Emphasis on some, I don't want people to drive themselves pursuing something with all their energy and then realising it's genuinely not for them. 

And last of all, cut the south out of your life. Like seriously. If he/she is purposely doing these bad, horrible things, then cut it out. Obviously with some people such as a boss, it's a lot harder and easier said than done. But if you can, find a new job. Of course it's a completely different matter if they're not doing it on purpose. Have a word with them, how can you blame that person if you haven't even told them it's making you feel bad? Remember though, it takes 42 muscles to frown and keep it, but just 4 to bitchslap them.

Confession time: I get very self-conscious and paranoid with composing long pieces of texts. This includes texts, blog posts, etc. everything except essays. And so I really must stop, before I start deleting masses of chunks of this extremely long post D: Until the next post for more definitions....

Song of the Day:

Dance with Me composed by Dario Marianelli (Anna Karenina the movie soundtrack)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kORsK9-T2ps

Wow. Wow. Wow, I love this. Almost a bit too much. It isn't really great if you don't watch the movie, but this is the melody that plays during the ballroom scene between Count Vronsky and Anna Karenina. And if you're like me, you'll find it completely and undeniably intoxicating. Brilliant movie albeit slightly depressing.

Favourite Tweet of the day:

Word Generator from: http://watchout4snakes.com/creativitytools/randomword/randomwordplus.aspx

Definition from: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/orientation

Languages

I have just finished a flurry of exams, including my Mandarin GCSE coursework controlled assessments! Mandarin is not my first language, nor is it my second (although everyone assumes so because I'm Chinese). To me, your 'first language' is the first one you had contact with and you are very fluent. Maybe not your most fluent language, but it is the first language you were exposed to and so usually the one you speak and learn in. And so for me it goes:

1. Shanghainese

2. English

3. Mandarin

4. Spanish

(Oh and it can only count as a language if you can go to the country, and see yourself not desperately struggling if you lived there for a week or something xD). Now, some may say 'DAFUQ IS SHANGHAICRAPANESE??!!' 

Basically, it is a dialect, that is spoken in Shanghai. To me at least, it is a very casual sort of language. There are some words which are pretty similar to Mandarin, but in general, most words are completely different. More or less ALL Shanghainese speakers speak Mandarin, but this is not the same vice versa. In fact, most Mandarin speakers can't speak Mandarin. And this dialect, like many others, contains phrases, idioms, etc. that cannot be expressed in other languages, and any other possible translations doesn't capture the essence of what it means. At all. Do you really think Chinese people have prosperity and longevity in their normal dialect??!

TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK. GREAT, IT'S FULFILLED ALL SAID REQUIREMENTS. AND STILL NOTHING.

Shanghainese and Mandarin are even more different from each other than Spanish and Italian. So I don't see why it doesn't qualify as a language. I must digress though, 99.9% it isn't written. But in some circumstances (I can't think of any), people felt the need to have to write in down. And apparently the Shanghainese peeps were a bit lazy, and so said 'Let's use Mandarin instead,' and so Mandarin words are used to pronounce the characters. (see below, sorry if I made your phone spaz, I know some asian characters do do that to some devices. That's a hint you should GET IT UPGRADED. Just a tip.)

Shanghainese:

‘侬好！侬看到古伊伐？’

Mandarin:

‘你好！你看见过他吗？’

English:

Hello! Have you seen him (around)?'

Anyways, that's my rant over. So if you ever happen to stumble across someone who thinks otherwise, direct them kindly here, or give them a noogie from me. Yes. I actually said noogie.

Song of the Day:

Don't you Worry Child - Swedish House Mafia cover by Freak Morice (I don't like their new band name, so I'll stick with their old one).

I have yet to decide if the original or cover is better. But this is a good twist on the song, and I like how much more stripped down and raw it is in comparison and still sounds good. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4t_f-v6Tww

Favourite tweet of the day:

2013!

First of all, many apologies for my lack of posting! I've spent the last 3 weeks in China, and I had no idea that Blogger would be banned over there! I spent the holiday trying to access it via various proxies but unfortunately none of them would get me past the log in stage! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's, hopefully I can make up the lost posts as soon as possible! Best wishes for what this year has in store for us! Now let's get started on this post~~

Hello there :3 I can't believe another year has passed. I won't try to make a hundred different new year's resolutions where I struggle to keep count of them let alone follow them for 365 days. But I'll say a few of my hopes for the new year. On Decemeber 31st I was going round my normal routine, nothing really exciting to be honest, and it wasn't until about 10.43pm when I realised, 'Fuck. It's 2013 tomorrow.' It came as a bit of a shock really.

I didn't quite know what to do.

If I look back, I can't remember much, but I feel happy about it. It was pretty tough I remember, especially around May and June, which were exam months. But I got through it. And I'm proud of it. My music exams are done, I'm anxious for my big January exams, but I've worked hard and I'll be ready as I'll ever be. I'm eating now as well, which is good. I haven't done anything stupid that has stood out to be which is great as well.

So here's my New Year's Resolution countdown that I'll leave with you, I hope you'll consider it as one of yours as well~

5. When you are saying YES to someone else, make sure you are not saying NO to yourself.

4. Life is sorrow. Overcome it. Life is a challenge. Overcome it. Life is an adventure. Dare it.

3. [Myself] Right now, someone is out there having the best day of their lives. Make that person YOU!

2. Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain. But you can't make a rainbow, without a little rain.

1. No matter what happens, keep shooting for the moon, because even if you fail, you'll land amongst the stars <3

Happy New Year everyone~

Atychiphobia 2

'I'm so scared of failure outwardly, that I've just sacrificed everything on the inside.'

That is what I said in one of my messages to a now ex. And I just realised how true it is. I'm so scared of failing these rocket-high standards. Standards set by me. Standards such as 'only a distinction for your piano grades is acceptable' or 'do your grade 5 this term, and in the next few months have your grade 6 more or less done' or, '100lbs.' To me, it's very all or nothing. Sacrificing on the inside can be anything from emotionally hiding away my scars with a smile, or the very real sacrifice of my internal body when I didn't eat. 

Why do I keep setting these standards? The thing is, by the off-chance I actually achieve them, it's a rapture that soon ensues. I feel so happy, as if now that I accomplished something so difficult before,and so well to add to that, that this intellectually-fuelled high can last for weeks, and it can sometimes help me to think of it during tougher times. But is it worth the other 2 out of 3 times when I don't quite reach it? When I don't, it really is awful. Everything crashes down. Cue depressing songs and the occasional relapse x.x Anyone else have something similar to this?

Stand up when it's all crashing down

My week is looking pretty bleak at the moment (and this doesn't include any other homework set :'( ):

Friday: Piano exam 

Saturday: Intense revision and this blog post :)

Sunday: GCSE/A-Level Mandarin mock exam

Monday: Latin exam on everything we've learnt

Tuesday: Singing exam

Wednesday: Biology exam on everything we've learnt

On a different note, this is the longest Mandarin essay I've written xD I need to memorise it for my mock this Sunday *^* looks titchy on here but that's like almost 400 characters of work :D

当前英国青少年的情况

青少年运动比以前少了。以前有较多时间锻炼身体，如很多维多利亚时期女孩喜欢跳芭蕾舞，她们的饮食健康，身体很好。但现代青少年经常吃汉堡堡等快餐，很多快餐营养不够丰富，还以引起肥胖蛮，对健康不利。他们也玩游戏，对身体很不好。

青少年喜欢参加社交活动，如朋友聚会和旅游-能学习知识并增进友谊。用智能手机进行信息交流。经常上网，可以帮助学习，交流，还能获得工作机会。

以前人们喜欢经典音乐和电影，如今跟喜欢现代音乐和电影，和很多青少年喜欢看电影《哈利波特》等。

我喜欢健康的生活方式。我每天平均锻炼身体两个小时。如跑步，体操和芭蕾舞。妈妈每天都为我做许多既好吃又有营养的饭菜，所以我能获得足够的能力去学习和运动。我也参加了不要少的朋友聚会，结交了好朋友。我喜欢弹钢琴和唱歌-每周都上课。每天连两个小时。我认为选择好的生活方式对青少年的健康成长非常重要。

Song of the day:

Skinny Love by Bon Iver 

Unfortunately yes, this is a thinspo video. I caught myself watching a few of these last night when I was feeling particularly low, but instead of just finding the music video of it, I thought I'd continue to be honest and just show what I was watching instead. Sorry guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzSKhtJgPho&feature=endscreen&NR=1